Muggitorial

Most of you will know by now that Arthur Bloxham has taken early retirement from his work and is leaving Staffordshire. After John Hudson had put the County on a much firmer footing it needed a steady hand to continue the good work. Arthur took over as Secretary in 1979 and supplied that need and we will miss him.

The County has agreed to run a pilot scheme, with the E.B.U., to directly register Master Points. This means that instead of receiving them on the usual certificates they will be directly reported to Thame and added to your computer file. As with any innovation there will be snags - so don't nag the Master Points Secretary (me) too much in the coming months.

Apologies to Paul Cutler for confusing him with Colin Draper in the result of the Dawes match versus Northants. in Issue No. 4. (Undisclosed damages were paid to both parties in an out of court settlement).

The 'Top Club' Teams of Four, held on certain Wednesdays during the Summer months, was quite successful. A team from Newcastle won the event, and in so doing called upon 13 players to represent them,

THE LEICESTER MIDLANDS TEAMS CONGRESS

Was held on Sunday, 17th November 1985 and is a new competition in which Midland County Associations were asked to send 4 teams, two of experts and two of 'Club' status. A Swiss teams of 6 eight board matches would be played with prizes for the top placed teams in each category.

Arthur Bloxham won a bottle of plonk in the raffle, the only success his team had. The other expert Staffs team consisted of three National Masters who searched long and hard for a fourth player of equal calibre. Not finding anyone available they looked, in desperation, for any reasonable player but had to settle eventually for the Welsh Pedlar.

Three sisters from Chasetown had a similar problem in finding a fourth for their non-expert team. They too couldn't find anyone of quality and so finally got stuck with Jim Riley. The second non-expert team was mine; they would have liked to have had the problem of finding a fourth, but I insisted on playing.

Despite my attempts to sabotage the teams efforts we came second overall and won first prize (£100 cash!) for the best placed club team. My teammates were so delighted with this unexpected success they allowed me to keep my share of the prize money.
P.S. We played W.P's team in the last round and I doubled my winnings for the day by promising (a) not to tell you the result and (b) to tell you what happened when they played Arthur's team. Arthur enjoyed the raffle ...

DIRECTOR RULES O.K.?

H. and A. P. are playing multiple teams and an opponent opens 1C and follows with a loud sneeze.
"Bless you", says his partner.
"Director", yells H.
H. repeats the auction so far, including sneeze and response, and demands that the opponents reveal any agreements that they may have.
The T.D. asks opener the meaning of "Bless you" in this sequence.
"Void or singleton club" is the prompt reply!
Turning to H. the T.D. says, "It's O.K. this convention is fully authorised by the Laws and Ethics Committee".
He departs the table chuckling.

UNQUOTABLE QUOTES

"Karapet the unlucky Armenian is a distant cousin of mine... on the lucky side of the family, fortunately for him". Overheard being said by Muggins just after misguessing another KJ combination.

ENOUGH SAID

Fairy Well was staggering home after an evening down the pub with his Fairy mates. Vaguely aware that his wife, Fairy Lite, was well into pregnancy he hoped that she had 'done the business' in his absence. On entering his home he was greeted by Fairy Midwife, who promptly shoved a bundle of swaddling clothes, containing the new addition to the family, under his nose. Examination showed that he had a healthy son and heir. "Fairy Nuff" he slurred, and so the infant was named. (This anecdote may have some relevance if a second instalment concerning ELLTOFA appears).

HEADMASTER'S GUARDIAN ANGEL

Rumour has it, that on occasion, the God's smile.

As H. puts down Dummy he remarks, "'How do I find out if you've got good spades?"
"Not by bidding 6S", replies Declarer.
Spades are 3 - 2 with split honours.
Diamonds are 2 - 2
Both the ace of clubs and the king of hearts are onside.
The opponents are playing in 4D on the other table ...

I am pleased to announce that The Welsh Pedlar Depreciation Society has recently been formed. Founder members are Headmaster, Muggins and W.P's First Division teammates. To join the Society just discover an appropriate W.P.. insult - these are quite easy to find, so we expect a large increase in membership in the near future.

C.T.'s Current Favourite Joke
Defending against a NT contract, ""Muggins makes the opening lead and Declarer asks: "What is your lead style?" "Fourth highest of Dummy's longest and strongest suit" replies C.T. Trouble is, most of the time, it isn't a joke.

SYSTEMS, CONVENTIONS, TREATMENTS AND THINGS

THE BARON TWO NOTRUMP RESPONSE

Consider this problem; partner opens 1D and you hold:

We appear to have two options open to us:

1. Bid 1H, and listen to the rebid. Our next bid must be both descriptive, and if below game, forcing.
2. Tell partner the good news by making an immediate game forcing bid i.e. by jumping in a new suit.

Experience tells us that option 1. can leave us floundering if opener's rebid is not as informative as we would like. Option 2. is dangerous because we may lose a fit in the other suit, and the suit we have bid may attract support which is inadequate.
To solve this problem we must sacrifice our immediate limit bid of 2NT which shows a meaty 10 to -a -poor 12, (we now change the suit first and then bid 2NT if expedient), and replace it with the Baron 2NT which is game forcing showing 16+ high card points in a balanced hand.

Balanced hands are:

Do not bid 2NT with 4-4-4-1 and a singleton in opener's suit unless you are very strong. Opener will always assume you have at least 2 card support.

Opener's Rebids

1. Bid your lowest ranking 4 card suit.
2. Rebid your suit with 5 or more.
3. Jump rebid in a second suit with a reasonable 5-5.
4. With a good 6+ card major, minimum hand with no biddable second suit - jump in your major (the suit will be such that Ax,.Kx or,Qx in responder's hand should ensure 6 tricks).
5. With a good 6+ card minor and no biddable second suit - jump in your minor (here, you can be better than minimum because you are still below game level).
6. With a balanced minimum and no second suit - bid 3NT
7. With any hand where you believe your captaincy is best - bid 4NT asking for aces.

It follows from these that:

The extra bonus arises when we jump shift. Opener knows we do not have a balanced hand. In fact we can define the jump in a new suit as showing:

• (a) a very good suit in a good hand or
• (b) a good suit, with support for opener's suit, in a good hand.

With hand type (a) responder rebids his suit or in notrumps; with hand type (b) he bids opener's suit or cue-bids.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Sir,

Often do we read of Grand Coups, Smother Plays, Jettisons and the like, but rarely are they observed at the table. The following hands were dealt at a Duplicate Pairs session at Newcastle B. C.

West leads the 5 of diamonds and Declarer wins with the J and returns a diamond. West should win, cash a third diamond and exit with a club, this leaves declarer with five losers. Note that if West cashes his diamonds then East is subjected to a Suicide Squeeze - if he pitches his two hearts then the A of hearts finishes the job. But ....... what does South throw on the fourth and fifth diamonds? If two hearts then West has a count on the suit and can exit with the K of hearts, pinning the Q. Not a heart and a club because, East can now discard a club on the A of hearts... So it must be a heart and a spade. However, West can counter by playing a spade to cut Declarer's communications. The K of spades must be played; South's A being his only entry card. The A of hearts forces a discard from East, which must be a club and Declarer is finished. He can set up the long club by cashing the AK and Q, returning to hand with the A of spades to cash his club but the winning spade in Dummy is isolated, Declarer is stuck in hand with the Q of hearts. What a glorious opportunity for the players!

Declarer was Martyn Harris, who had handicapped himself by playing with the Welsh Pedlar, and who started the ball rolling by exiting with the Q of diamonds. Captain Turf was playing the balanced one count with his usual panache and skill. Unfortunately West was that genial (congenital?) idiot Muggins, who not only cashed out his diamonds (obviously oblivious to the consequences, as always) but also exited with a club, so depriving his partner of an opportunity to shine. What a sad and sorry end to a deal of such promise.

Yours sincerely,

Andrew K. Ibitzer

Editorial Comment: I'm sure we are all sorry to hear that Andrew is in hospital suffering from two broken legs; apparently he was MUGGed by an unknown assailant in a dark alleyway recently. Also the analysis is faulty: Declarer can discard two hearts, West may play the heart K so pinning the Q, but East is squeezed on this trick and Declarer still has his communications intact. If West starts with A, K and another diamond or cashes the A, and if Declarer fails to unblock the Q play a small diamond, the contract should fail. The Kitchen Bridge approach from Declarer - cash all your winners and exit with a diamond to end play West ensures the contract (keeping the hearts intact). If you wish to be truly exotic in defence then when Declarer returns a diamond at trick two West takes his K and then underleads his remaining honour to put East in with the 10. A heart return then kills the squeeze.

I'm sick of this hand; sick, sick, sick, I tell you.

Dear Sir,

Concerning your correspondence on probabilities, I have found that missing Jxxxxx in a suit invariably leads to them being distributed as Jxxx opposite xx i.e. as per expectation. However, if declarer is missing these cards I always hold Jx or xxxx depending on the position of the 10 (declarer may finesse - it works,-or play for the drop - it works).
Similarly if Qxxxx is missing I or my partner hold Qx or Qxx onside, and if I am declarer then Qx is offside if I finesse, or Qxx either side if conditions are such that playing for the drop is called for.
My conclusion is the same as the other fellow sufferers:
My odds are zero, my opponents 100% and on average it evens out. The perversity of my universe tends to a maximum.

Yours sincerely,

Ginger 'Fag Packet' Charmondelay

THE "I'LL SORT IT OUT LATER" CUE-BID

Queen Bee (Damned)

It was a Sunday in March, and an Individual no less,
Not a popular competition I must confess,
But Captain Turf is on my right,
So a. decent result is odds on, quite,
He opens one spade and cops a grotty raise,
And replies with a cue-bid across the beige,
A counter from partner, a lead direct from mine,
Puts him in slam that is less than divine,
No future in diamonds, that I am sure,
Attack Dummy's cue-bid is bound to be pure,
The queen of clubs is a pretty lead,
And Turf eyeballs it with evident greed,
A spade to the ace and the bad news rears,
The queen of spades is a trick it appears,
The queen of hearts looks a handy card,
'Ang about ... that Turfs thinking hard,
He eliminates diamonds and cashes a spade,
Plays off the clubs like he had it made,
A spade to that queen is a hell of a play,
I'm just unlucky, it isn't my day,
Ruff and a discard or into that tenace,
Those are his threats, the rotten menace,
I played my partner for the jack of hearts,
And I'm seriously thinking of taking up darts,
Not only did Turf score a rasping top,
But he went on to win the blinking lot,
The Glover Cup used to sit on my telly,
And now it resides in a Bookmaker's Semi,
You have to qualify to play in this Solo,
Next year I'll be busy ... playing polo.

DAWES V OXFORDSHIRE

THE THIRD ANNUAL NEWPORT SWISS TEAMS by Muggins

I know I make the occasional gaff when playing bridge but, for Austrian Princess to flee back home to mother and for Headmaster to disappear for a long weekend (with his wife for once), just to avoid playing in my team at Newport is going a bit far.
Determined not to miss out I delegated to Captain Turf the job of finding substitutes. After careful deliberation he chose Blue Stocking and Gambling Man.
The logical partnerships given these two teammates were Muggins and B.S., C.T, and G.M.; Turf's broad smile as he explained this to me had, I'm sure, nothing to do with the fact that he wouldn't be my partner in this event.
B.S. has doctorates in everything, is fluent in Russian and probably six or-seven other languages, and is an expert on old black and white movies made by obscure eastern European intellectuals. My intellectual development ended at age 5 but provided she bids in basic English and follows suit we should be O.K. C.T. takes Continental skiing holidays (known as 'Bookmakers Perks'). G.M. works seven days a week to keep C.T. in the manner to which he is accustomed - it is odds on that this partnership knows all the probabilities and will play in good form, favourites to have a good run in fact.
With 24 assembled teams and 5 eight board matches to bite on we began with a 20 -0 win. This gave us the dubious pleasure of playing last years winners which contained the infamous Welsh Pedlar, among other notables, B.S. made a serious error when she opened a weak 1NT vulnerable, first in hand, against non-vulnerable opponents. This was my fault because I had not warned her that in these situations I always hold a balanced hand of between 0 and 5 points. The inevitable double closed the auction; fortunately I held my maximum on this occasion (two queens and a jack) and a kindly distribution of the defenders' assets let her out with minus 200 only.
I had the chance to defeat a thin game but blew it without any difficulty, Mustering all the arguments I could think of for the post mortem turned out to be wasted effort since the board was flat (they let me off in these circumstances). We won 16 - 4 thanks to a few small swings.
Sue Anslow's team opposed us in match 3 and we won the partscore battle as well as a big gain on the following hands:

Not a thing of beauty this, but the king of spades was onside and the 13 imps gain helped towards a 19 - 1 win.
Match 4 saw us pitted against Derek Davies' All Stars on Table 1, which was situated just outside the main room. The lighting in this area was fine for supping ale and a quiet chat but a bit on the gloomy side for playing bridge, particularly as the evening wore on.
I'm holding:

DAWES V NOTTINGHAMSHIRE

DAWES V WARWICKSHIRE

THE GOD'S SMILE

THE GOD'S SMILE

Editor: Roy Martin, Baron St., Fenton, ST4 3PH.