When the director was told what had caused the kerfuffle at the table he asked "Did you really call your opponent an ass?".  "Yes, .." came the reply, " .... but now I realise it was an insufficient bid"!

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"I've often thought about bridge during sex, but I've never thought about sex during bridge"

Susanna Gross

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"We are a balanced partnership. My partner makes up for my inadqate skills at bidding with his ineptitude in playing!"

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When declarer asked "where am I?"  I wasn't expecting his partner to reply "in a cabin, on one of the ships in the Vogon fleet"!

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"He gave himself some very good advice when he bid STOP.  Unfortunately he didn't take his own advice!"

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When asked if he agreed that I had broken tempo to think before bidding my partner replied  "I agree there was a hesitation, but I'm not sure there was any thinking involved!"

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"My mistake partner, I thought you had your bid!"

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"With you as dummy partner, we have a chance of making this contract!"

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Next time you plan to play face to face at Tudor please also plan to arrive at the club at least 15 minutes before the start of play.  This gives the director time to decide on the movement and the scorer time to implement it.

... partner overbids!!

When I put dummy down my partner said "My name is 'Simpson', not 'Sampson'!"

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I phoned my partner to tell them I couldn't play bridge and they said "I've known that for years!"

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I said to my partner "I always add a 4 points to my hand when you are declarer".  They replied "oh, thank you.  I always subtract 2 when you defend and add 3 when you are dummy!"

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Whilst I was trying to decide which opponent to finesse for the queen of trumps my partner put a coin on the table and said "Let's improve the speed and accuracy of your decision making.  Heads or tails?"

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"Four hearts is a very good bid - but on some other hand!"

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"When did you learn to play?  I know it was today, but what time today?!"

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"My mistake partner, I thought you had your bid!"

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"When you are declarer bridge is a game of luck.  When I am declarer it's a game of skill!"

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"With you as dummy I have a chance of making it!"

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... it would have to start with counting to 13!"

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"I favour light opening bids ...... when you get to my age you're never sure they're going to get back to you in time!"

Oswald Jacoby, aged 77

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"Undoubtedly, bridge is the greatest waste of time and money ever devised by man."

Colliers Magazine 1934

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... grips you.  It exercises your mind.  Your mind can rust, you know, but bridge prevents the rust from forming".

Omar Sharif

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... it takes away all those levels that they could be using to confuse themselves!"

John Levinson

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... mainly to make life difficult for each other!"

Omar Sharif

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... entertaining and intelligent card game the wit of man has so far devised"

W. Somerset Maugham

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... I can always make new friends at the bridge table"

Martina Navratilova

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. . . 53 octillion possible different deals. (Click here for more info on octillions)

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. . . he played bridge badly!  She was found not guilty too!  Click here to read all about it

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... good conventions!

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I was reading an article which said that the entire syllabus for their bridge class was a poem!  I have adapted it a little so it complies more with the system we teach at Tudor.  It has it's limitations such as weak twos, pre-emptive hands, Blackwood etc, but I can see how it could be used as a starting point.  See what you think.

With 12 or more points, I'm required to speak
And mention a suit that's not very weak.
With five cards or longer, I need not be cute;
I merely will open with one in that suit.
With 12 to 14, one No Trump will do,
And with 20 to 22 I'll open with two.
When opponents have opened, now I have trouble;
I've an opening bid and I say so by "double".
The opponents have opened, my back's to the wall!
I have good points and length, so I must overcall.
My partner has opened, and I'm in a fix
Because I must pass with less points than six.
But if my count is six points to ten,
I must respond once, but need not again.
Now eleven or twelve points is pretty nice;
I will plan to respond, not once, but twice.
With thirteen or more points, I would be to blame
If I let it end before we reach game.

With thanks to Jean who found this poem.  Attributed to Philip Statham.
My One No Trump is always weak,
That's twelve to fourteen so to speak;
And with a fairly balanced hand,
No singletons you understand,
Nor with a suit that's very long;
But my No Trump Overcall is strong.
Of course, we'll play Stayman's convention,
And it is my firm intention
To play transfers over ones and twos;
You'll find that way you'll seldom lose,
For after bidding, carefully planned,
The lead comes up to opener's hand.
Against their No Trump the best defence,
The only one that makes much sense,
Is Mr. Pottage's convention,
A really wonderful invention,
The details I've no doubt you've seen
In the latest Bridge Magazine.
I'm fond of opening weak twos;
It's the Benji system that I use.
Jump overcalls are never strong,
About ten points and a suit that's long.
When opponents bid pre-emptive threes,
The opportunity I'll seize
To bid Three No Trumps for what you've got;
I think that Fishbein's awful rot;
And as for the Optional Double:
That will always get you into trouble.
Blackwood or Gerber - whichever seems best -
Fourth Suit forcing, as for the rest:
The Unassumig Cue Bid I rather like playing
And SOS Redoubles, that goes without saying.
The Unusual No Trump you really must play,
And Michael's Cue, which in its way
Is, I think, an even cuter
Means of bidding a two suiter.
Against a strong One Club show what you've got
By bidding a la mode Truscott.
I like the Double called Sputnik;
It's very clever, very slick;
You show two suits with just one bid;
I don't know how I lived without it, but I did.
I like Minor Suit Inverted Raises,
And that new convention that's rather droll
Named after Mr. Leibensohl.
What is that you're trying to say?
It will have to wait another day.
The Director is just about to speak:
You'll have to keep it 'til next week.
We'll play as we have just agreed;
I think I've covered all we need.
Just 'keep it simple'; that's what I say;
It is the only way to play.

" Oh no! You have a heart problem?" 

"No, he knows I can't play!"

... as the plays develops, watch how the odds change!

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. . . provide significant clues about where key cards lie!

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The elephants were sitting on the deck!

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... and now you're playing as if it's tomorrow, already!

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We have all been playing on BBO for a long while now and because we are now familiar with it and because we play against people we have played against for a considerable while, many of us (and I am not excluding myself) have become a bit lazy about alerting or providing a description of your bid. This is true even when people are asked.  So, a few guidelines to help: -

• 1NT Openings – Yes, I know most of us play a 12-14 NT but not everyone and it’s often difficult to remember who does what. It takes just seconds to type 12-14 or 12-15. This doesn’t mean that if your downgrade a 15 point hand to 14 points that you can’t still open 1NT you can. All you are required to say is what your partnership agreement is.
• Stayman & Transfers – These should always be specified as ‘Stayman’ and ‘Hearts’ or ‘Spades’.
• Weak Twos – Always announce as ‘Weak’
• Strong Two’s – Always announce as ‘Strong’

Anything in between (and there are some legitimate bids) are announced as ‘Intermediate’.  You also remember that for a strong bid (Benji 2c or a strong two which require 8 playing tricks) you must have at least 16 HCP not including voids or singletons (otherwise it’s not legal).  Pre-empts at the 3, 4 & 5 level do not need to be alerted.  1NT Overcalls (& doubles) – This is the most common area where many conventions are played and so it is important to alert your opponents straight away. For example, my partner and I play a convention called ‘Lionel’ in this position. So our 2c overcall shows Hearts & Clubs, so we type it in as below, before we make the bid "Hearts and Clubs, 12+ points|". This is what I expect my Partner to understand by the bid. 

When you Double 1NT for penalties, you do not need to announce or alert this as it is an accepted principle that this is for penalties. If you double 1NT but it is not for penalties then you do need to alert it.  Natural Overcalls of 1NT should be described simply as that ‘Natural’. So, if you overcall 1NT with 2H for example and you don’t play any conventions for this you don’t need to alert. However, because many people do play conventions here you may get asked what it means, if so just state ‘Natural’.

Blackwood does not, in theory, need to be alerted, but Roman Keycard Blackwood (or Keycard Blackwood) does. Simply state RKCB. The partner of the RKBC bidder should describe what their response means. (“2 Keycards” for instance).

When someone asks you to describe a bid you have made but which you have not discussed with your partner, you should just say ‘No Partnership agreement’. The opponent’s are only entitled to the same information that you expect your partner to have.  However, one excellent way to avoid having to describe a lot of standard bids is to announce a brief synopsis of your system as you join the table and introduce yourselves. We all tend to say hi or good evening, but this can be combined by copying to your clipboard and then ‘pasting’ as you join the table so for example, or by using the Chat Manager functionality.  ‘Good evening both, we play Benji Acol (Strong 2C/2D) with 12-14 NT, Stayman, Transfers and a Weak 2H & 2S’.  That way it shouldn’t be necessary to announce everything. If asked of course you should explain (as it is possible for people to miss the initial chat line).

Nigel

There once was a lady called Bess,

Who found a new way to finesse,

She made up excuses,

To lead up to deuces,

And loses without having to guess!

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"I'm playing all the right cards, but not necessarily in the right order!"

A direct quote from a Tudor member playing on BBO 

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it's the ability to avoid messing up the easy ones!

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. . . a good bid is one that resembles the cards you hold!

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but only after I have seen all four hands!

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1.  you don't hold any cards in their suit

2.  you have a fabulous suit of your own

3.  you don't want to partner them next week!

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Whilst polishing a lamp he saw a flash and a genie appeared. "I will grant you one wish" the genie said.  "I would like world peace" came the response.  "What?  I'm only a genie!"  The man thought again.  "OK" he said, "make me a winning a bridge player".  "Hmmm" the genie pondered, "let me see what I can do about world peace"

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where getting an average is considered good!

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... consistency in their bridge partners rather than brilliance!

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... is that you get practice at playing in atrocious contracts!

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It's when your left hand opponent leads from Ace, Queen round to your King.  The King is not dead!

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... try and learn from the mistakes of others - you won't live long enough to make them all yourself!

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... so were your excuses!"

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is frequently the most difficult bid

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... you held when you were bidding, partner?"

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.... it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you sit at the bridge table!

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I’m giving up bridge – tonight’s my last night!
It’s 'amen' to Stayman. I give up the fight.
The insults and muddles are giving me troubles.
I can’t sleep at night for thinking of doubles.

My cards are all rotten
And I have forgotten
Who has played what and what is trump
Whilst sitting for hours on my sore rump

So it’s all over tonight – I’m off to the backwood
I’m bidding goodbye to Gerber and Blackwood.
I can’t stand the pain,
Or getting rubbish cards again.

My partner’s a dope,
I’m losing all hope.
When opponents say “double”
I know we’re in trouble.

My points are not high,
but Partner bids up to the sky!
We’re in seven spades, I doubt if it makes
But then Partner all the tricks she does take.

The defenders feel sick
My partner’s really slick.
Then gone is my sorrow,
I’ll play tomorrow!

"Under an assumed name!"

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. . .  put the opponents on lead.  Why should you make all the mistakes?

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... the bridge tutor tried a new approach.  "Please stand up if you think this game is too difficult for you". 

After a while a gentleman at the back stood up. 

"Do you think bridge is too difficult for you?" the tutor asked. 

"No, I just hate to see you standing there on your own".

A test of your skill versus the opponents' luck

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... I'm your Partner

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He was told never to lead away from a King and so he never did.  One day he passed away and found himself in a bridge game. He was on lead against 4♠  holding: 

♠ Kx, ♥ Kxx, ♦ Kxxx, ♣ Kxxx.

Right then and there he knew where he was!

Her reverse was four-four
And I'd told her before,
That reversing shows strength.
And as for the length,
The first bid should always be more!

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it's about how you play them!

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There once was a player from Tudor,

Who really couldn't be cuter.

He overcalled 1♠ ,

Died as he played,

The post mortem - a four card suiter!

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..... my partner assumed I knew what I was doing!"

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.... those who can count and those who can't!

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The difference between genius and stupidity at the bridge table, is that genius has its limits!

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South: "Alert!"

East: "Yes?"

South: "I'm requested to further misdescribe my hand."

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The real test of a bridge player isn't in keeping out of trouble, but in escaping once they're in it!

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When dummy is to your right, lead the weakest suit in sight,

When dummy is to your left, lead through heft,

Don't be cute - lead partner's suit

You will lose face if you underlead an Ace,

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“That is a very clever dog,” the man commented.

“Not so clever.” said another man, “Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail!”

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The minutes from committee meetings are now published and available to the membership.  The purpose of this move is not only to demonstrate transparency but also to publicise the subject areas which the committee are discussing and to encourage your input.  

You will find the recent minutes located under the 'Membership' tab towards the base of the left hand navigation bar.  To see the minutes you will need to register on the site.  If you have any problems or issues doing this please contact Christine on 07876334921 who will do her best to help you.