I plan to review all the errors I made in the session, before I go to sleep.  "Will you ever sleep again?" came the response!

♠ ♥ ♦ ♣ 

A competitor was called away on an emergency from a bridge tournament, with the last board still to play. The players asked a kibitzer to take his place although he knew nothing about the game. They told him "Just bid what you've got and follow suit". He sat South and the following bidding sequence ensued:

WEST          NORTH          EAST          SOUTH

   -                    -                    -                   1♣ 

pass                2♥                 pass              2♠ 

pass                3♣                 pass             3♥ 

pass                4NT              pass             7♦ 

pass               pass              pass

South took the lead of the King of ♠  with the A, cashed the A and K of trumps, came to hand with the A of ♣  and played all his diamonds.  On the last one West was hopelessly squeezed in ♥  and ♠, and ulitmately discarded a ♥, whereupon South made the last four tricks in ♥.

When the opposition saw South's hand they called the Director, who asked for an explanation of the bidding, and got the following explanation "I was told to bid what I've got and I have one club, 2 spades, 3 hearts and 7 diamonds!"

Twas the night before Christmas, two guests in our house

Had started to play bridge with me and my spouse.

"Please tell me," she shouted, "why didn‘t you double?

Twas plain from the start that we had them in trouble!"

"Tis futile, my dear," said I, taking no stand,

"To discuss it with you.  Let us play the next hand."

"Remember next time" said she, using a frown,

"To double a contract that‘s sure to go down."

So I picked up my cards, in a down trodden state,

Then I opened 'One Spade' and awaited my fate.

(EAST DEALER, N/S VULERABLE)           

The guy sitting South was like many I've known,

He played and he bid in a world all his own.

'Two Diamonds', he countered with scarcely a care;

The ace in his hand gave him courage to spare.

My wife, she smiled faintly, and tossing her head,

Leaned over the table "I double" she said.

And North, for some reason I cannot determine,

Bid Two Hearts as though he were preaching a sermon.

I grinned as I doubled, enjoying the fun,

And turned round to South to see where he would run.

But South, undistressed, not at a loss for a word,

Came forth with 'Two Spades'.  Did I hear what I heard?

The other two passed and in sheer disbelief I said,

"Double, my friend, that'll bring you to grief."

South passed with a nod, his composure serene,

My wife with a flourish led out the heart queen.

I sat there and chuckled inside o'er their fix 

But South very calmly ran off eight straight tricks!

He ruffed the first heart in his hand right away,

And then trumped a club on the very next play.

He crossruffed the hand at a breathtaking pace

Till I was left holding five spades to the Ace.

In anguish my wife cried, "Your mind‘s growing old!

Don‘t you see Six No Trumps in your hand is ice cold?"

By doubling this time I had committed a sin,

It just goes to prove that you never can win!