Imagine four bridge playing women alone on a houseboat on the Murray, far away from the maddening crowd and all signs of civilisation, moored on the edge of a Kangaroo infested island, sitting around a campfire late afternoon playing bridge.  West - Marge, North - Sue,  East - Glad,  South - Kath.

As in bridge, campfires are well known for bringing out the best and worst in people.  We sat around its welcoming warmth the evening before, staring at the heavens and coming up with what we thought were profound statements on subjects such as sex (of course), politics, religion, life, and reminiscing on childhood wonders, remembering all the lovely things our normally dreadful parents allowed us to experience.  That's what going back to nature does for you!  However, back to the bridge:

Marge: "Would you mind putting your ashtray on the scoresheet, it keeps blowing away.  I saw that male kangaroo and his harem again this morning on my walk.  Pass."
Sue: "How come you've seen him twice and we haven't? I don't believe you Marge.  We've walked practically over the whole island and we haven't spotted him once.  Two clubs."
Gladys: "Um, um, I don't know.  Um, I think I'll check the dinner.  Pass"
Kath: "It smells good Glad.  What are we having? Three diamonds."
Marge: "Oooh, Glad marinated steak this morning with wine, garlic, parsley and chives.  The potatoes are in the camp oven on the fire, and she's cooking broccoli and pumpkin.  Pass."
Sue: (Ponders for a minute and developed the look of a piranha discovering his first finger). "Six clubs!" she bites.
Glad: "Um, um.  I think dinner's nearly ready.  I'll just check.  Pass." She disappears into the depths of the houseboat.
Kath: (My God, the wine's gone to her head. Six clubs! Just look at her grinning like a cheshire cat.  Hmmm.  She must have seven or eight of them).  "Has anyone seen the kitchen sink plug? I couldn't find it at lunchtime.  Pass."
Glad comes back: "Um, for the life of me I can't find that plug.  Never mind, dinner's almost ready.  Um, is it my bid yet?"
Marge: "Sue's in six clubs. Your lead."
Glad: "Um, how did the bidding go again?"
Marge: "Two clubs, three diamonds, six clubs!"
Glad: "Um, right". (She ponders, thinking about the lecture on not leading Aces in slams.  She leads a small diamond and retires to the kitchen, leaving me to play her hand.)
Sue grabs the opportunity with a sigh of relief.  She wins with the King of Diamonds, noting Marge's Jack, draws trumps and crosses to the Ace of Spades, and discards her losing tricks on the Ace, Ten and Nine of Diamonds.
Marge: (Calling from the depths of the houseboat). "why didn't you lead your Ace of Hearts and then a spade.  The contract is unmakeable.  If Sue puts up the Ace of Spades it takes out her entry into dummy."
Glad: (In the depths of the kitchen). "Um, um.  Sorry I can't hear you Marge. Dinner's ready."
Sue: Wrong Marge. I still have a chance.  I drop the King of Hearts under my Ace, play the Ace of Spades on the spade lead, a diamond to my King, draw trumps and have the luxury of the Queen of Hearts as entry to run Diamonds. " (to rub it in, a flock of squawking crows pass overhead).  "However, a spade lead could be disastrous."
Glad: "Eek! Kath. Um, I've found the kitchen plug!" She rushes down the gangplank with a steaming pot in her hand.  We all look as she shows us proudly.  There amongst the broccoli is a well cooked plug!  The Kangaroo sniggered.
Thanks Sue, Marge and Gladys for a wonderful holiday and 798 hands of excellent bridge.  Thanks also to Dorothy Fry for producing the last two bridge columns.  Good stuff.
(Yes the plug really was cooked with the broccoli).
Happy rubberised bridging!

The County Bridge Court is now in session.  His Honour, Justice Baron Slammer presiding.

Council for the Prosecution: Mr Flexible Flannery
Council for the Defence: Count Signale
Defendant: Michael Skuebid
Plaintiff: Minnie Splinter

His Honour: Mr Skuebid, the charge against you is Premeditated Stupidity in the first degree.  How do you plead, guilty or not guilty?
Skuebid: Not guilty your Honour.
Flexible Flannery: Your Honour, I would like to present the evidence.  The plaintiff (E) correctly passes.  Jacob Y. Transfer (S) opened Two Hearts.
Count Signale: Objection your Honour, hardly a two heart opening.
His Honour: Overruled.  Stick to the facts Flannery.  Proceed.
Flannery: Skuebid (W) overcalled three diamonds and Honor Lead (N) rightly supported her partner at the three level.  Minnie Splinter now bid her spade suit and Transfer called to four hearts.  Skuebid supports spades and Honor Lead places her partner into five hearts.  Skuebid doubles, and blatantly proceeds to perpetrate the inimitable absurdity, thereby causing my client, Minnie Splinter, indescribable mental anguish, which action is the subject of the change against Skuebid being heard before you today.  The prosecution rests.
Count Signale: I now call Minnie Splinter to the stand.  Miss Splinter, is it not so that had you taken the initiative by doubling the five heart contract, Michael would more likely have led your void suit (unusual lead) than the Ace of Spades.  And, furthermore, had you not compounded your initial injudicious act by lamely following with the wimpish rag to the Ace, rather than the sledgehammer Queen of Spades, you squandered two ideal opportunities to salvage the defence.  The Defence rests your Honour.
His Honour: I find a case to answer against the defendant and the plaintiff, and to dissuade bridgers from preferring trumped up charges such as this, I sentence you both to two sessions of "Bridge" with the Wednesday ladies, and may the Bridge God have mercy on your both.

Winners last week: N/S 1. Derricks-Paton, 2. Smith-Mason, 3. Kean-Morgan, E/W 1. Pottenger-Holloway, equal 2. Kengstore-Wood and Young-Crossley.
Happy bridging.

The time: 8:27pm; the place: Shoalhaven Bridge Club; the scene: A hot February evening; the cast: Minnie Splinter (E), Michael Skuebid (W), Jacob Y Transfer (S), Honor Lead (N)
The hand: Dealer (E); N/S Vul. The contract: 5H doubled by South.
The deed: A decidedly dastardly one!

Skuebid thoughtlessly plucked the AS as his opening lead.  Dummy goes down and South, J.Y. Transfer, with a deliberately bland look on his face, calls for the 2S.  Minnie (E) with a sinking feeling follows on with the 3S. 
Skuebid blindly continued with the 7S.  "Just the lead I wanted" crowed Transfer, and Minnie splintered with the heartending realisation that the defence was condemned to the depths.
Transfer, with a grin from ear to ear proceeded to draw trumps, drops the QC, throwing his losing diamond on the set up club tricks, and claims, making a small slam. 
Shattered, Minnie Splinter had no recourse but to prefer the charge of Premeditated Stupidity in the First Degree against the protesting Michael Skuebid.

At the subsequent preliminary hearing, Resident Arbiter, Shorty Slossenger, had no option but to remand the case against the now bemused Screwball ...er... Skuebid to be heard by His Honour Justice Baron Slamtry at the next session of the Country Bridge Court. 
Next Week: The Trial.

Winners last week: 1. N/S Kean-Morgan; 2. The Frys; 3. Derricks-O-Brien; 1. E/W Davies-Beaupeurt; 2. King-Milne; 3. Kingston-Wood.
The venue for tomorrow night will be Park Hire, Sth Nowra.
Happy bridging.