Laugh and the World laughs with you

1. Me in heaven...
God: you're about to get your wings.
Me: garlic parmesan or honey bbq?
God: get out.

2. Whenever my wife uses the phrase
"I was thinking."
That means I either have to move,
build, paint, or buy something.

3. Did you know on the Canary islands
there is not one canary?
And on the Virgin Isles?
Same thing -
not one canary there either!

4. Remember.
Masks are like pants.
If you're not wearing any
then you're exposing others to
something they'd rather NOT deal with.

5. What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the wall?
Rick O'Shay!

6. Breaking News!
Man gets hit by a rental car.
Said it Hertz.

7. I wonder who Pete is
and why we do things for his sake...

8. Sitting in a recliner naked watching a
movie, eating ice cream & Doritos,
minding my own business,
& Walmart calls the cops.

9. I never thought I'd be the kind of
person who'd wake up early
in the morning to exercise...
And I was right.

10. A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel.
An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel.
A REALIST sees a freight train.
The TRAIN DRIVER sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

11. I wasn't planning on going for a run today,
but those cops came out of nowhere!

12. I went by the house I grew up in,
and asked if I could go in and look around.
They said no and slammed the door.
My parents can be so rude.

13. Did some financial planning
and it looks like I can retire at 62
and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

14. Did you know that 14 muscles are
activated when opening a bottle of wine?
Fitness is my passion.

15. So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.

16. Got up at 5am,
8km run completed
prepared a smoothie for breakfast...
Don't remember the rest of the dream...