Teetotal

I never drink alcohol while playing bridge. It interferes with my suffering.

Deafening Silence 

Wayne was talking to a doctor about his wife "Doctor, when we play bridge, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears my bid and I always have to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "The next time you play bridge, bid normally. If she doesn't reply, say it louder and louder. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness." Sure enough, the next time they played Bridge, he does exactly as instructed. He starts off saying “One Spade”. He hears no response. He says it louder “ONE SPADE”.  Still no reply. And again “ONE SPADE”!  He gets fed up and screams at the top of his voice “SHERYL! I’M BIDDING ONE SPADE”!  Sheryl picks up a pen and writes down "For the fourth time, One No Trump" 

Mobile Phones

Sally, Trudy and Meg wanted to play in the Mixed Pairs, so they went to the Director beforehand. He greeted them warmly but warns, “We have one rule here: No mobile phones!”  Sure enough, before another word could be spoken, Sally’s phone rings, and the Director says, “Sorry, Sally. For that I must pair you with Joe, the worst male bridge player of all time.”  A few minutes later Trudy’s phone chimes, and the Director says, “Too bad, Trudy. Your partner will be Sam, who is about as hopeless as they come.”  Meanwhile, Meg waits patiently with her phone carefully turned off. Finally, the Director walks over with The club champion and says, “Congratulations, Meg! Your partner is the club champion.”  Meg is awestruck as she turns to him, “I can’t believe it!  What could I have done to deserve a partner as great as you?”  “I don’t know what happened to you,” he grumbled, “but my damn phone went off!”