|Previous Jokes of the Week
WEEK 19 Misunderstandings: A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, "Well, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculously undignified place I ever worked. They played a game called Bridge. Last week a lot of people were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you've got." Another man said, "I've got strength, but no length." Another man says to the lady, "Take your hand off my trick!" I was already shocked, when the lady answered, "You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise." Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two other ladies were talking and one said, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine." Well I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I heard one of them say, "Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber."
WEEK 18 Overheard remark, No.3 (by Bridge teacher): “I always said that if all else failed I could teach bridge and yes, all else did fail.”
WEEK 17 Overheard remark, No.2 (by the Club Expert): “Every day you play worse and worse but today you are playing like it's tomorrow.”
WEEK 16 Overheard remark, No. 1 (by partner): "Some declarers have difficulty counting the opponent’s distribution. I have the same problem with Dummy’s distribution".
WEEK 15 Placing by Assumption: The hostess of a bridge event got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an attitude. During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet. Embarrassed, his wife called out, "John, would you please close the door!" John's partner said, "Never mind, it's the first time since we started playing that I've known what the man has in his hand!"
WEEK 14 To have and to hold: The bride came down the aisle, and when she reached the altar, she saw the groom with a deck of bridge cards in his tuxedo pocket. She said, "Darling, what are your bridge cards doing here?" He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
WEEK 13 Enough is Enough: Four guys got together at one of their houses to play bridge. Suddenly a fifth man burst in. "Sid,somebody's at your house having sex with your wife." "Okay, that does it," growled Sid. "This is absolutely the last hand."
WEEK 12 Once upon a time: Once there was a married couple who hated each other. They met another couple that also hated each other. One night they all sat down and invented bridge....
WEEK 11 Nearest and Dearest Against all odds, an Essex player wins the Sunday Times world-wide individual bridge challenge, and scoops the first prize of £1 million. “I've had a huge win in a competition”, he says to his wife, "so pack your bags". “Great!”, she replies, “are we going on a bridge cruise?” “No”. “Well then, should I pack for a short trip or a long trip?” “Just pack the lot”, he replies, “and f**k off!
WEEK 10 County Loyalty: An Essex Player, Cambridge Player, Yorkshire Player and Lancashire Player are all sitting round the same table at the evening duplicate at Mosul Bridge Club. All of a sudden they hear gunfire. The building is stormed, and they are taken prisoner by ISIS. “We are going to shoot you all”, says the ISIS commander, “but you can each have one last request”. “I would like 100 Morris Dancers”, says the Cambridge player, “doing the full routine that they do at the Ely Folk Festival". The Yorkshireman asks for “a 100-strong Yorkshire male voice choir, giving an extended rendering of On Ilkley Moor bar t'at “. Next the Lancastrian gives his last request - “I'd like 100 Lancashire ukelele players performing a medley of George Formby favourites”. “Yes”, says the ISiS commander, “all of that can be arranged, but Essex Man, you haven't said – what is your last request?” “Oh,” he groans, “it's this – can you please shoot me first!”.
WEEK 9 The Host System: Trudy turns up at the club without a partner and asks if she can play. "Yes we have a host system", says the secretary, "but we have one very important rule here - no mobile phones!". At that moment, Trudy's phone rings. "I'm sorry", says the secretary, "but for that I will have to partner you with Joe, the worst player in the club." Marge comes along next, looking for the host. Her mobile rings. "Here's your partner" says the secretary. "His name is Fred and he's absolutely hopeless." All the while Meg has been watching and she has made sure that her phone is firmly switched off. She approaches the secretary and asks if she can have a partner for the evening. "Certainly" says the secretary, "as it happens we have Zia Mahmood visiting us tonight and you can play with him". Meg is over the moon. "What have I done to deserve such a wonderful partner as you!" she says to Zia. "I don't know what you've done", replies Zia, "but my f***ing phone went off!".
WEEK 8 Car-toons: Bridge partners are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the available ones are disabled.
WEEK 7 Some Bridge Terms and what they really mean: Rule of Eleven - the total number of tricks available whenever you bid a slam. Eight Ever, Nine Never — the number of tricks whenever you raise 2NT to 3NT. Second Hand Low — the easiest way to go to bed with your Ace. Leading Through Strength — a guaranteed way to make your partner's queen disappear. What “Sandy Says” — tips that work on lesson deals, but never in real life.
WEEK 6 Wake-up Call What is pink and hard in the morning? The Financial Times Bridge column.
WEEK 5 How’s That Again? : Another Beginner Bridge Course is starting next month. If you missed it the last time, this is your golden opportunity to miss it again.
WEEK 4 No one around: I was matched up with another player when I showed up without a partner. All through the match, whenever I made a mistake, he would say "No Man is perfect". Later I found out that his name was Norman.
WEEK 3 Double of Nothing: Joe knows absolutely nothing about the game; his wife plays twice as well.
WEEK 2 Place of Honour The Bridge club secretary was very apologetic, "I'm terribly sorry sir, but our registration for the match is full" "Wait just a minute," the member argued, "If I told you that Zia Mahmood and Andrew Robson want to play, wouldn’t you register them?" "Most definitely," she answered. "Well,” said the member “since I happen to know that they both cannot make it, we’ll just take their slot"
WEEK 1 Asking Partner for Advice: “How should I have played that hand?” “Under an assumed name”
WEEK 52 How the Laws of Bridge relate to real life:
You telephoned me when my husband was on the other line (Simultaneous Calls) but did not tell me what you wanted (Incomplete Call). I said I would call back but before I could (Hesitation), you called me again (Call out of Rotation). Of course I slammed down the phone (Call out of Rotation – Rejected). Then you sent me a letter (Play of Card Accepted) but I was shocked that you asked me out for just a Big Mac (Insufficient Bid). Of course I refused (Insufficient Bid Rejected). You then tried to offer me 2 Big Macs (Attempt to Correct with a Double). Luckily you realised your mistake (Illegal Bid) and offered me an expensive dinner (Corrected by Sufficient Bid). During dinner you told me you were single (Deliberate Deception) but I found out this was not true from a mutual friend (Unauthorized Information). Later you asked me to go to your home (Inappropriate Communication) for some action (Illegal Play) and to cheat on my husband (Violation of Partnership Agreement). When I refused you (Claim Rejected) you asked me again (Requirement to Repeat Claim Statement). You saw that I was hesitating (Extraneous Information from Partner). You knew I was vulnerable (Scoring) and would give in (Acquiescence Occurs) and follow you (Wrong Lead Accepted). However I changed my mind in time (Acquiescence in Claim Withdrawn). Now you did not want to pay for the meal (Retraction of Card Played) and so I left (Play Ceases).
WEEK 51 Mis-timing: On their wedding night a couple arrive at their hotel room and the phone rings. The husband answers and talks with his friend about a bridge hand. The conversation continues for hours as the friend tells how he went down in six spades. When it finally ends, the distraught wife is in tears and says, “How can he be so inconsiderate? That was terrible!” The husband replies: “You’re right, honey. All he had to do was take a finesse.”
WEEK 50 The Impossible takes a little longer: An Essex Bridge player was polishing a lamp and… poof! Out popped a genie who said, “I will grant you one wish.” The man unfolded a map of the world and said, “Let all of these countries live in peace and harmony.” The genie replied “You’ve got to be kidding! I’m only a genie.” The man thought for a while and then suggested, “OK, then make me a winning bridge player.” “Hmm… ” the genie pondered. “Let me see that map again.”
WEEK 49 Ten things you will never hear a bridge player say:1) This club's playing area is always at the right temperature - never too hot or too cold. 2) Free coffee? No thanks. 3) Great! A four board sit-out. 4) No. I don't think tournament fees are too high. 5) I can always count on my partner to remember every convention on our card. 6) No gossip, please. I'm not interested. 7) Great. More new alerts! More new Alerts! 8) One thing I can say about bridge players - they definitely know how to dress. 9) I don't feel like bridge today. I'd rather jog and work out. 10) No matter which direction we sit, the cards always go our way.
WEEK 42 That Sinking Feeling: Joe: I hate my Partner. Sam: Why don’t you find another one? Joe: No use. Changing partners in Essex is like changing cabins on the Titanic.
WEEK 48 Rubbing it In: A Notice at a Bridge Club: Those who failed the bridge course and are depressed with low self esteem, please attend the special extra class on Thursday at 7pm. Please use the back door.
WEEK 47 SOS Redouble Joe: “HELP, HELP MY BRIDGE PARTNER IS DROWNING” Passer-by: “Is there something I can do?” Joe: “Can you swim?” Passer-by: “Sure” Joe: “Uh… no thanks … HELP, HELP MY BRIDGE PARTNER IS DROWNING”
WEEK 46 Bridging the World: In a recent public survey, it was found that … In Italy, all Bridge Players are important. In the US, only the successful Bridge Players are important. In China, all Bridge Players are equally unimportant. In Essex, the survey was cancelled because nobody knew what a Bridge Player was.
WEEK 45 No Kidding: How many bridge partner jokes are there?. Just two, all the rest are true.
WEEK 44 Almost Perfect: Isn't it a shame how 99% of bridge players give the whole game a bad name.
WEEK 43 Sticky Problem: They have invented this skin patch that will immediately cure depression. I tested it out during my Bridge session and it worked perfectly. All you need to do is to peel away the backing and stick it across your partner's mouth.
WEEK 41 Bitter Half: I play bridge to be entertained. If I wanted to be stressed and abused, I might as well stay home with my wife.
WEEK 40 Never Mind: The doctor was checking up on three elderly bridge players who had head injuries from a car accident. Serene inquired "Doctor, Will I still be able to play bridge?" The Doctor asked "How many high card points in a deck of cards?" "60!" the lady replied. Worried, the doctor turned to Wayne "How about you? How many high card points in a deck of cards? “ "Uh, Wednesday!" he shouted. Even more concerned, the doctor motioned to the other lady. "Well, what do you say, madam? How many high card points in a deck of cards?" "Forty!" Sheryl replied. "Excellent!" the doctor exclaimed. "How did you get that?" "Oh, it's pretty simple," she explained. "You just subtract the 60 from Wednesday!". (NOTE: Sheryl subtracted 60 from Wednesday to get 40. The numerical equivalent of Wednesday is 23+5+4+14+5+4+1+25=100. So there!)
|Fowl Play (Chirstmas Special Joke)
The Essex team was practising when a large turkey came strutting into the room and sat down at the table. “Do you mind if I play?”, it said. The players initially humoured the bird but pretty soon they were awestruck as the turkey bid perfectly and pulled off amazing plays. This caught the team captain’s attention and he said to the turkey “You're terrific!!! Sign up for the team and we will play in the National League, I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus if we win." "Forget the bonus," the turkey replied, "All I want to know is this. Does the season go past Christmas?"
WEEK 38 Running Wild: Wayne: “Doctor, my memory is failing and I cannot remember the cards when I play Bridge.” Doctor: “If you want to improve your memory and your concentration, you need to get some exercise. A healthy body leads to a healthy mind. Run 10 kilometers a day.” Two weeks later, Wayne calls the doctor. Doctor "Have you done what I told you?” Wayne “Yes doc, I’ve followed your instruction exactly.” Doctor “So has your memory and concentration improved since 2 weeks ago?" Wayne “I don't know, I'm 140 kilometers away from my Bridge Club"
WEEK 37 Running Hot and Cold: Sheryl: Can't play bridge tonight. I have a really bad cold" Wayne: Try drinking a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath. Sheryl: uh ... OK ... I'll try anything …..the next day… Wayne: Hi Sheryl … Well, did it help? Sheryl: How should I know? I haven't even finished drinking the bath yet!"
WEEK 36 Gene Splicing: What do you get when you cross my partner with an ape? No change occurs. (My sincerest apologies to the ape)
WEEK 35 Home Sweet Home: Wayne: “I get a really bad headache after a long bridge tournament”. Joe: “Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." … The next day … Joe: "Did you do what I told you to do?" Wayne: "Sure did and it works! By the way, you have a nice house!"
WEEK 34 Bridge Definintions, No.5 - Blamestorming: Sitting around after the game, discussing why your brilliant bid or play failed, and who was responsible.
WEEK 33 Bridge Definintions, No.4 - Onosecond: That minuscule fraction of time after playing from dummy in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake
WEEK 32 Bridge Definitions, No.3 - Mixed Emotions: Winning a Tournament with your Partner
WEEK 31 Bridge Definitions, No. 2 - Amnesia Double: When you make a lead directing double when you are going to be on the opening lea
WEEK 30 Bridge Definitions, No. 1 - Phantom Endplay: Declarer South holds DAx with DQx in dummy. He carefully strips all the side suits and throws East in to lead away from his king of diamonds. Unfortunately West had it
WEEK 29 Toungue tied: The doctor says to the patient, "Please stick your tongue out and let me see”. The patient complies. The doctor inspects the throat and says “Now do the same at the man who is waiting outside on your right”. "What will that do?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "He's my bridge partner".
WEEK 28 Bridge to Eternity: The devil appeared before a Bridge player and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. "I'll make sure you win every tournament you enter. Your partners will love and worship you. Your opponents will fear and respect you and you will live to be a hundred. All I want in return is your wife's soul which will burn in hell for eternity. The Bridge player thought for a moment. "Ok, I give up …What's the catch?"
WEEK 27 Prone Position: There was an old man named Bill who played bridge every week with his partner Fred. His wife always commented on how unhappy he looked after the game. But one day he came home looking really happy. His wife asked, "What's the matter Bill? You always seem so miserable after bridge and today you are smiling". Bill said, "Well actually, something terrible happened. Fred had a heart attack and died just before the end of the session". "Oh Dear “said his wife, rushing to comfort him, "but why are you smiling? That must have been terrible!". "Not too bad" he said, "I still came in 3rd".
WEEK 26 Moo-dy Blues: I could play bridge with you until the cows come home. On second thoughts, I’d rather play bridge with the cows until you come home.
WEEK 25 Overloaded Bridge: While a physician was examining a new patient's ruddy complexion and blood pressure, the patient said, "I already know I have very high blood pressure, Doc." "Does it come from your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked. "Neither," Wayne replied. "It's from my bridge partner".
WEEK 24 Second Opinion: Sam: My doctor says I shouldn't play Bridge. Partner: I didn't realise he had partnered you too.
WEEK 23 Heading Up: Sam: Notice any improvement since last year? Partner: You combed your hair, didn't you?
WEEK 22 A Hell of a Time: An Essex bridge player dies and goes to hell. The Devil notices that he is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 40 degrees Celsius and 80% humidity. So the Devil goes over and asks why he's so happy. He says, "I like it here, the temperature is just like when I'm on holiday in Spain." The Devil isn't happy with the answer. He turns up the temperature to 45 degrees and humidity to 90%. But the Devil again finds the man standing around as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes him again."This is even better; it's like a sunny day at the beach in Marbella." The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the Essex man suffer, so he turns the heat up to 55 degrees and humidity to 100%. Once again, he goes looking for the man, and finds him even happier than before!. He turns to the Devil and says, "This is great, I am getting a free sauna." The Devil says to himself, "I've been using the wrong strategy. I'll get him this time" He turns the temperature down to minus 20 degrees and sets the weather control to SNOW. "Let’s see what he has to say about THIS." A little while later, the Devil finds the man -- this time he's jumping up and down and whooping for joy. Astonished, the Devil asks, "What is there to be happy about this time??!" The Man replies, "It's great news! Hell has frozen over and Essex has won the National Inter-county Championship!"
WEEK 21 Trumped: A bridge player accidentally got a girl pregnant. When he visited her and saw her condition, he offered to marry her. She said she would consult her family and get back to him. When he showed up the next day she said “Well after some discussion, we decided it was better to have a b*****d than a bridge player in the family"
WEEK 20 End Play: Sheryl accompanied Wayne, her bridge partner, to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called Sheryl into his office alone. ”Wayne is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, he will surely die. Never point out any mistake he makes. Be pleasant at all times. Don't burden him with conventions and bidding systems. Always give him a hug when he feels down. And never discuss the hands. If you can do this for the next few months, I think Wayne will regain his health completely." On the way home, Wayne asked Sheryl, "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied.