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Release 2.19c


Satureday Closure

 

 

The Club will be closed on Saturday 1st November due to redecorating of the front porch and possible wet paint

The car park will be closed from 28October till Monday 3 November for repair.

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Have you any jokes, cartoons, funny pictures, stories or humorous bridge related occurrences to share with us, please let us know and we will post them on here for you.
Vulnerable Game!!
Vulnerable Game!!

An unfortunate incident occured at the club today, when an armed robber broke into the premises.

Bursting through the door and into the main upstairs playing room his mask got caught temporarily revealing his face. After hurrriedly placing it back into position he turned to the North player sitting at table 5 and demanded

''Did you see my face''

Quaking in fear Jimmy Jackson nervously whispered 'Yes but only slightly'

Tragically the robber instantaly shot him through the head.

Turning to Tony Cordrey in the East Seat he asked once again ''Did you see my face''

To which Tony confidently answered ''No'' Then Tony immediately pointed to West seat, and said ''But I am sure the Wife Did''

Last updated : 27th Aug 2014 08:32 BST
Diamonds Are a Girls Best Friend
Diamonds Are a Girls Best Friend

 

So David Rigby our newest member and Jim Dewey his partner are 'sitting out' in the Bar talking to Margaret Gleeson our stewardess about Bridge and some of the hands they have been playing earlier in the session.

Now WE all know that Margaret, is a non bridge player. So she turned to David and said ... cant you Bridge players ever talk about anything else other than bridge? Something like politics, current affairs, sport or even sex?

So David says............

''ah yes sex''..............well last night I picked up sex diamonds to the Ace Queen and.......!!!

Last updated : 18th Mar 2014 10:27 GMT
Left Hand Opponent
Left Hand Opponent

 

Did you hear about Bob Whittle on his last holday excursion in the South of France.......................

 

They were staying in a small village on the outskirts of Bordeaux. When Bob discoverd that they had a decent bridge club in the City Centre and decided to venture out and play a few hands.

Whilst he was out, his wife heard on the radio that there was a madman on the loose driving down the 'Autoroute' on the wrong side. Concerned she got on the mobile to inform Bob and advise him to be careful.

His reply... Only one madman on the wrong side, the Autoroute I was on was full of them!!

Last updated : 18th Mar 2014 10:27 GMT
The Bath Coup
The Bath Coup

In a recent league match against a team of 8 from the local lunatic asylum, Mike Nicholson, fell for the bath coup. This is how it happened ....

During the half time break Mike, is having a conversation with the Governer ''So how can you tell if a patient is sane or insane'' said Mike

''Ah now that is quite easy'' said the Governer leading Mike to the bathroom at the end of the corridoor ''Every potential inmate is given the bath test''

''How does that work'' said Mike

''We put a spoon and a bucket at the side of the bath and fill it to the top, then ask the potential inmate to empty the bath'' said the Governer

''Ah, I see, thats very clever'' said Mike Then applying all of his bridge playing logic he says....., ''so the ones who use the spoon are admitted and the ones who use the bucket are sane''

 

''Oh No'' said the Governer ''The ones who pull the plug out are sane..........so would you like a bed by the window or the wall Mr Nicholson''

 

 

 

Last updated : 17th Mar 2014 13:38 GMT
Heaven Sent
Heaven Sent

 

Too elderley Lady members Cissy and Nellie who have been friends and bridge partners for many years, are walking in Mesnes Park one day, talking about last nights bridge. When Cissy turns to Nellie and says, ''I wonder if they play bridge in heaven'' 

So they decide to make a pact, that the first one to depart this world and go to heaven, shall get a message to the other and let them know if indeed bridge is played in heaven.

 

Sadly 12 months later Cissy died. However true to their pact she returned as an Angelic like figure one night at Nellies home and said......................

''Nellie my dear old friend, I have some good news and bad news''

Nellie replied.''What is the good news'' ..............Cissy told her the good news.... ''They do play bridge in heaven, every single night''

''Thats excellent news Cissy'' siad Nellie..............''But what is the Bad News''

 

''YOU ARE PARTNERING ME NEXT THURSDAY'' said Cissy.

Last updated : 17th Mar 2014 13:38 GMT
Kids Play!!
Kids Play!!

Margaret Wilkinson told me about this hand (the very first hand of bridge she ever played) when she was just 4 years of age. Apparently she would spend hours watching her mother and father play with Sid and Grace Barlow and would be fascinated by the whole aspect of the game. When one day, Sid was late arriving and not wishing to delay proceedings Margaret was asked to step in temporarily to sit in Sids place and play the first hand.

 
''But I am not sure about the bidding'' Said Margaret.
''You have seen us play enough times, so just bid what you hold'' said Vince, her Father.
''Ok then, I will give it a go'' said a rather nervous Margaret.
 
This was the deal and sitting South, this is how Margaret's first venture into the world of bridge proceeded:
 
Dealer: A9            
South AKQ65            
Both vul AK            
    Q1054            
KQ108 76542        
J1097
8        
Q10 J9        
KJ8 987632        
    J3            
    432            
    8765432
                                                                                                    ♣     A
       
      This was the  bidding :
 
SOUTH     WEST     NORTH     EAST
   1♣         Pass         2♥          Pass
   2♠         Pass         3♣          Pass
   3♥         Pass         4NT*       Pass     
   7♦         All Pass
 
Margaret took the lead of the King of Spades with the Ace. Cashed the Ace and King of trumps, came to hand with the Ace of clubs and then cashed all the diamonds. On the last one, West was hopelessly squeezed in hearts and spades and decided to discard a heart. Margaret now was able to cash the last four heart winners. 13 tricks in 7 Diamonds, bid and made easy peasy lemon squeezy!!!
 
Open mouthed and almost lost for words, Vince leaned over the table (knowing full well  that Margaret already had an aptitude for playing the cards) said in admiration to Margaret,'' how on earth did you manage to find such an amazing bidding sequence''
 
To which Margaret replied ''Well you told me just to bid what I hold'' and I held ''1 Club, 2 Spades, 3 Hearts and 7 Diamonds!!!
 
BRIDGE REALLY IS AN EASY GAME FOR KIDS TO LEARN!!!
Last updated : 17th Mar 2014 13:37 GMT
No finese and no honour
No finese and no honour


In a recent interview Mary Finch was asked ''Who is the toughest opponent you have ever played bridge against''

When she answered ''That's easy, Clive Wood'' The interviewer was somewhat surprised and asked if she could give any reason or example of why this should be.

Well whenever I have a 'two way finese' I have a great way of turning a 50% guess into a 100% certainty. 

What I do is raise my skirt just high enough to show the top of my thighs and reveal my panties. It works every time and never ever fails, especially against the men, as the one holding the honour, will always be to nervous to look. 

Unfortunately this does not work with Clive.............he always looks regardless!!!
Last updated : 29th Oct 2013 13:53 GMT
Bridge Limericks
Bridge Limericks
The bridge in this club is a joke
Yet its played by some serious folk
With all best intentions
They learn lots of conventions
Then next hand they go on to revoke
                    .............................

My partner plays bridge with such grace
Taking those tricks with a King or an Ace
Where as I should be banned
When I'm stuck in the wrong hand
And I end up with egg on my face
                    .............................

Now Jack, the new member is keen
To the lessons and classes he's been
But when he says 'toodle pip'
Wth his hand on his hip
Then we know Jack is really a QUEEN!!
                    .............................

Once again the club would like to reiterate........... any likeness on these pages, either in it's content or in the cartoons, to any particular individual(s) is always intentional!!!. and we reserve the right to mock, ridicule or poke fun at any member, as long as it is in the best interests of humour and comedy!!!

Last updated : 29th Oct 2013 11:13 GMT
Bridge Players Logic
Bridge Players Logic
A famous bridge playing couple from The Wigan Club, who for legal reasons must remain anonymous, are seeking a divorce. The grounds for divorce are over their bridge playing abilities....... ''She applies the wrong logic when bidding ''' and ''He applies the wrong logic when defending''

Before being granted their divorce, they must decide who will become the main guardian of their child. and so the jury asks both the wife and husband for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child.

The wife says.... ''Well I carried this child for 9 months in my body and I had to go through the most painful and awkward childbirth ever imaginable, so I regard this child as a part of me and should therefore be living with me'''

The jury is impressed and turn to the husband and ask the same question.

The husband says ''OK, I take a coin and put it into a drinks machine, a coffee comes out. Now you tell me......who does the coffee belong to...........me or the machine!!!

Last updated : 24th Jun 2013 14:10 BST
Killing Time
Killing Time In the American Bridge League, there was once a notorious Red Indian Bridge Player called Onestone, so named by his parents because he was born with only one testicle. 

Playing all his bridge at and for the 'Buffalo Valley Bridge Club' Onestone became notorious because he took the game so serious that he would lose his temper and turn purple with rage whenever his partners made a mistake.

Over the years, Onestone became so incensed by his partners mistakes, he threatened to kill anyone else that ever made a mistake in partnership with him again. For five years fearful of this threat, nobody ever dared to make a mistake when they partnered Onestone.

However one day 'Bluebird' who grew up on the same reservation as Onestone, entered the Buffalo Valley Bridge Club for the first time, cut in for a game of rubber and in partnership with Onestone, went off in a cold 3NT on the very first hand.

So Onestone, immediately dragged Bluebird by the throat, took her deep into the forest and made mad passionate love to her for 3 days solid day and night, until eventually Bluebird died of exhaustion.

Several years later 'Yellowbird' a cousin of Bluebird also entered the Buffalo Valley Bridge Club for the first time, cut in for a game of rubber and in partnership with Onestone, went off in a cold 6spades on the very first hand.

So once again Onestone, immediately dragged Yellowbird by the throat, took her deep into the forest and made mad passionate love to her for 3 days solid day and night, but nothing happened. So Onestone proceeded for another week, to make mad passionate love to Yellowbird day and night, but still she would not die, This went on for a whole month and yet still Yellowbird would not die, so eventually Onestone had to let her go.

And the moral of the story is..........................................................Yes thats right........................................... .............................................................................You cant kill two birds with Onestone!!??!!

Last updated : 13th Jun 2013 13:42 BST
Jumping to the Wrong Conclusion
Jumping to the Wrong Conclusion It has been said on more than one occasion now that, Wigan Bridge Club has always struggled to keep hold of it's bar staff.

Well a chance conversation between, Hilda Higgingbottom, our latest barmaid to leave and a close friend raised a few eyebrows......

Hilda was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, "Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculously undignified place I ever worked in. They played a game called Bridge. 

Last night it was full as normal with all these 'well to do types' and. as I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you've got." Another man said, "I've got strength, but no length."

Another time I heard a man say to a young lady, "Take your hand off my trick!"

I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the young lady later commented, "You jumped me twice when you didn't even have the strength for a single raise."

In the bar, another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two other ladies were talking and one said, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."

Well I just got my hat and coat and as I was about to leave, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess I can go home now. That was my last rubber."


Last updated : 21st Mar 2013 18:14 GMT
Double Trouble
Double Trouble


As anybody heard if Gertrude has given birth yet?

Apparently she had twin boys this morning.

Well that's typical of her husband?

.................Doubling her when she was vulnerable!!
Last updated : 5th Mar 2013 17:28 GMT
Place of Honour
Place of HonourDue to the Snow and hazardous driving conditions, this unfortunate incident happened to Clive Wood when attempting to enter the Lancashire Butler Pairs, held in Brierfield earlier this year:


The Bridge club secretary was very apologetic, "I'm terribly sorry sir but our registration for the event is now full"

"Wait just a minute," Clive argued, letting them know he had just battled the elements to drive half way across the county to get there ''What if Zia Mahmood and Omar Sherrif turn up late and want to play, wouldn’t you register them?"

"Most definitely," she answered.

"Well,” said  Clive, “since I happen to know that they both cannot make it today, we’ll just take their seats then!!!

Last updated : 5th Mar 2013 17:28 GMT
Excellent Test Results
Excellent Test Results So if any of our members are wondering what has happened to Des King, take a look at this photo. Yes its Des. Unfortunately last weekend, whilst travelling to a Bridge Congress in Cumbria, he was involved in a not to serious car accident. However it did leave him with a broken wrist, a broken leg, a cracked rib and a swollen jaw, which left him with a temporary speech impediment.

Anyway we are pleased to report he is only in hospital overnight and he is in high spirits as we can see here ....So what is actually happening in this photo?

Well apparently Des, feeling a little down and despondent, had summoned the nurse over asking her ''are my testicles black''

To which the nurse quite surprised said ''I beg your pardon''

So Des repeated ''are my Testicles Black''

So the nurse drew the bed curtains around, pulled down his PJ's and began to gently fondle and inspect his testicles

Then quite offended....Dragged up his PJ's, hurled back the curtains and shouted...NO YOUR TESTICLES ARE NOT BLACK.

To which Des then gestured her a little closer, to whisper softly in her ear, '''thank you nurse, but I said.......are my test results back!!!!!
Last updated : 5th Mar 2013 17:27 GMT
Bridge Tip for 2013
Bridge Tip for 2013








Waiter 1 - Was that Des King from Wigan Bridge Club?
Waiter 2 - Yes
Waiter 1 - Did he leave a good tip?
Waiter 2 - Yes!!....'Never underlead an Ace against a suit contract''
Last updated : 5th Mar 2013 17:27 GMT
Wigan is not just famous for rugby
Wigan is not just famous for rugby After reading our article 'Fact and Fiction The History of Bridge' on the Bridge Trivia Page, one anonymous reader has kindly offered this piece on how bridge was actually invented.

Once upon a time there was a married couple, The Sidebottoms, from Wigan who hated each other. Whilst on their annual summer vacation in France they met another married couple, The Winterbottoms, also from Wigan and they too hated each other. So one evening after dinner they were all sat down together, each respective couple silently scowling at one another, they got a pack of cards out and invented bridge..........


Last updated : 5th Mar 2013 17:26 GMT
Sheila and Tony Discussing Last Nights Hands!!
Sheila and Tony Discussing Last Nights Hands!!
Sheila: ''Well darling I suppose a bottom is a bottom''

Tony:
''Yes Sheila, but two bottoms in a row is just too much!!!''




Please Note: The club cannot accept any responsibility.
And we would like to confirm that any likeness of the characters in this cartoon to any of our members, is purely intentional!!

Last updated : 5th Mar 2013 17:26 GMT
We all know a Gertrude!
We all know a Gertrude!
Honestly Gertrude, “Every day you play worse and worse but today you are playing like it's tomorrow.”
Last updated : 5th Mar 2013 17:26 GMT
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