After a trail and by popular agreement the WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON BRIDGE SESSIONS will now start at 1.15pm . Please be seated for by 1.10pm at the latest.
Des and Clive have just been down to London for the weekend to play at the world famous Young Chelsea Bridge Club.
Whilst walking round the capital,Clive noticed a sign in a shop window that read 'Suits £8 each; Skirts and dresses £5 each; Shirts and blouses £2 each.
Des has one of his famous brainstorms and turns to Clive and asks .....how much have you got with you?
About £120 Clive replies
I have about the same Des says and the explains to Clive.....If go in and buy as much as I can for our £240. We can go back to Wigan BC and easily quadruple our money and more, by selling all this on to the members!!
So Des goes in and says...I want 10 suits; 10 Skirts; 10 dressess; 10 shirts and 10 blouses please.
The man turns to Des and says......your from up North in Wigan arent you?
Yes I am, but how did you know that?....enquires Des
Co's this is a dry cleaners mate!!! hehehehehehe
A big scary, trouble making hairy biker burst into the Bridge Club last night whilst I was sat at the bar.
He eventually pushed through the crowd stood beside me, grabbed my pint and gulped it down in one.
Well what ya gonna do about that then fella.... he shouted.
Uncontroulably I burst into tears, after which the biker rather stunned put his arm around me and said... come on fella I didnt mean to make ya cry, I cant stand to see any grown man cry.
To which I explained....this is the worst day of my life; I am a complete failure; I was late for a meeting this morning and the boss has fired me; I went to the car park to find my car has been stolen; so I called a cab but left my wallet on the back seat; when I eventually got home I find my wife in bed with my best friend.
So I came here tonight with the intention of ending it all and what happens...........I buy a pint drop an arsenic capsule in it and whilst I am waiting for it to dissolve some A***hole bursts in and drinks the lot.....
....but thats enough about me.... so anyway how is your day going!!!!
Two elderley Lady members Cissy and Nellie who have been friends and bridge partners for many years, are walking in Mesnes Park one day, talking about last nights bridge. When Cissy turns to Nellie and says, ''I wonder if they play bridge in heaven''
So they decide to make a pact, that the first one to depart this world and go to heaven, shall get a message to the other and let them know if indeed bridge is played in heaven.
Sadly 12 months later Cissy died. However true to their pact she returned as an Angelic like figure one night at Nellies home and said......................
''Nellie my dear old friend, I have some good news and bad news''
Nellie replied.''What is the good news'' ..............Cissy told her the good news.... ''They do play bridge in heaven, every single night''
''Thats excellent news Cissy'' siad Nellie..............''But what is the Bad News''
''YOU ARE PARTNERING ME NEXT THURSDAY'' said Cissy.
An unfortunate incident occured at the club today, when an armed robber broke into the premises.
Bursting through the door and into the main upstairs playing room his mask got caught temporarily revealing his face. After hurrriedly placing it back into position he turned to the North player sitting at table 5 and demanded
''Did you see my face''
Quaking in fear Jimmy Jackson nervously whispered 'Yes but only slightly'
Tragically the robber instantaly shot him through the head.
Turning to Tony Cordrey in the East Seat he asked once again ''Did you see my face''
To which Tony confidently answered ''No'' Then Tony immediately pointed to West seat, and said ''But I am sure the Wife Did''
So David Rigby our newest member and Jim Dewey his partner are 'sitting out' in the Bar talking to Margaret Gleeson our stewardess about Bridge and some of the hands they have been playing earlier in the session.
Now WE all know that Margaret, is a non bridge player. So she turned to David and said ... cant you Bridge players ever talk about anything else other than bridge? Something like politics, current affairs, sport or even sex?
So David says............
''ah yes sex''..............well last night I picked up sex diamonds to the Ace Queen and.......!!!
Did you hear about Bob Whittle on his last holday excursion in the South of France.......................
They were staying in a small village on the outskirts of Bordeaux. When Bob discoverd that they had a decent bridge club in the City Centre and decided to venture out and play a few hands.
Whilst he was out, his wife heard on the radio that there was a madman on the loose driving down the 'Autoroute' on the wrong side. Concerned she got on the mobile to inform Bob and advise him to be careful.
His reply... Only one madman on the wrong side, the Autoroute I was on was full of them!!
In a recent league match against a team of 8 from the local lunatic asylum, Mike Nicholson, fell for the bath coup. This is how it happened ....
During the half time break Mike, is having a conversation with the Governer ''So how can you tell if a patient is sane or insane'' said Mike
''Ah now that is quite easy'' said the Governer leading Mike to the bathroom at the end of the corridoor ''Every potential inmate is given the bath test''
''How does that work'' said Mike
''We put a spoon and a bucket at the side of the bath and fill it to the top, then ask the potential inmate to empty the bath'' said the Governer
''Ah, I see, thats very clever'' said Mike Then applying all of his bridge playing logic he says....., ''so the ones who use the spoon are admitted and the ones who use the bucket are sane''
''Oh No'' said the Governer ''The ones who pull the plug out are sane..........so would you like a bed by the window or the wall Mr Nicholson''
Margaret Wilkinson told me about this hand (the very first hand of bridge she ever played) when she was just 4 years of age. Apparently she would spend hours watching her mother and father play with Sid and Grace Barlow and would be fascinated by the whole aspect of the game. When one day, Sid was late arriving and not wishing to delay proceedings Margaret was asked to step in temporarily to sit in Sids place and play the first hand.