Release 2.19q
"I don't think that's what she meant when she asked for ‘an attitude signal’ to her lead!"
"No matter where I go ...

... I can always make new friends at the bridge table"

Martina Navratilova

♠   ♣

"Don't call me 'Dummy', Fathead!"
"It looked so easy in the bridge column!"
Fillers
Of course it was for take out, not penalties!
Of course it was for take out, not penalties!
If that’s how she treats her partner …
If that’s how she treats her partner …
"I favour light opening bids ...

... When you get to my age you're never sure they're going to get back to you in time!"

Oswald Jacoby, aged 77

♠   ♣

"Undoubtedly, bridge is the greatest ...

... waste of time and money ever devised by man."

Colliers Magazine 1934

♠   ♣

"Many games provide fun, but bridge ...

... grips you.  It exercises your mind.  Your mind can rust, you know, but bridge prevents the rust from forming".

Omar Sharif

♠   ♣

"Never pre-empt against weak players because ...

... it takes away all those levels that they could be using to confuse themselves!"

John Levinson

♠   ♣

"Bridge players exist ...

... mainly to make life difficult for each other!"

Omar Sharif

♠   ♣

"Bridge is the most ...

... entertaining and intelligent card game the wit of man has so far devised"

W. Somerset Maugham

♠   ♣

Bridge never gets boring because there are ...

. . . 53 octillion possible different deals. (Click here for more info on octillions)

♠   ♣ 

The road to hell is paved with ...

... good conventions!

♠   ♣

Syllabus?

I was reading an article which said that the entire syllabus for their bridge class was a poem!  I have adapted it a little so it complies more with the system we teach at Tudor.  It has it's limitations such as weak twos, pre-emptive hands, Blackwood etc, but I can see how it could be used as a starting point.  See what you think.

With 12 or more points, I'm required to speak
And mention a suit that's not very weak.
With five cards or longer, I need not be cute;
I merely will open with one in that suit.
With 12 to 14, one No Trump will do,
And with 20 to 22 I'll open with two.
When opponents have opened, now I have trouble;
I've an opening bid and I say so by "double".
The opponents have opened, my back's to the wall!
I have good points and length, so I must overcall.
My partner has opened, and I'm in a fix
Because I must pass with less points than six.
But if my count is six points to ten,
I must respond once, but need not again.
Now eleven or twelve points is pretty nice;
I will plan to respond, not once, but twice.
With thirteen or more points, I would be to blame
If I let it end before we reach game.

Agreeing The System

With thanks to Jean who found this poem.  Attributed to Philip Statham.
My One No Trump is always weak,

That's twelve to fourteen so to speak;
And with a fairly balanced hand,
No singletons you understand,
Nor with a suit that's very long;

But my No Trump Overcall is strong.
Of course, we'll play Stayman's convention,
And it is my firm intention
To play transfers over ones and twos;
You'll find that way you'll seldom lose,
For after bidding, carefully planned,
The lead comes up to opener's hand.
Against their No Trump the best defence,
The only one that makes much sense,

Is Mr. Pottage's convention,

A really wonderful invention,

The details I've no doubt you've seen

In the latest Bridge Magazine.

I'm fond of opening weak twos;

It's the Benji system that I use.

Jump overcalls are never strong,

About ten points and a suit that's long.

When opponents bid pre-emptive threes,

The opportunity I'll seize

To bid Three No Trumps for what you've got;

I think that Fishbein's awful rot;

And as for the Optional Double:

That will always get you into trouble.

Blackwood or Gerber - whichever seems best -

Fourth Suit forcing, as for the rest:

The Unassumig Cue Bid I rather like playing

And SOS Redoubles, that goes without saying.

The Unusual No Trump you really must play,

And Michael's Cue, which in its way

Is, I think, an even cuter

Means of bidding a two suiter.

Against a strong One Club show what you've got
By bidding a la mode Truscott.
I like the Double called Sputnik;
It's very clever, very slick;
You show two suits with just one bid;
I don't know how I lived without it, but I did.
I like Minor Suit Inverted Raises,
And that new convention that's rather droll
Named after Mr. Leibensohl.
What is that you're trying to say?
It will have to wait another day.

The Director is just about to speak:

You'll have to keep it 'til next week.

We'll play as we have just agreed;

I think I've covered all we need.

Just 'keep it simple'; that's what I say;

It is the only way to play.

"Let's put it this way, no more tennis, no more football, and no more doubling of small slams unless you have two quick tricks!"
"My cardiologist says I can't play bridge!"

" Oh no! You have a heart problem?" 

"No, he knows I can't play!"

Book title "Beat Phobias - Spiders, Public Speaking and Bridge"!
Book title
He's no fun in the evenings ... he's solar powered!
He's no fun in the evenings ... he's solar powered!
Bridge is a game of probabilities ....

... as the plays develops, watch how the odds change!

♠   ♣ 

Leads ...

. . . provide significant clues about where key cards lie!

♠   ♣ 

Why didn't they play bridge on Noah's ark?

The elephants were sitting on the deck!

♠   ♣ 

Partner, every day your bridge gets worse ...

... and now you're playing as if it's tomorrow, already!

♠   ♣ 

Should we have a Post Mortem now?
Should we have a Post Mortem now?
An Ode To Finessing

There once was a lady called Bess,

Who found a new way to finesse,

She made up excuses,

To lead up to deuces,

And loses without having to guess!

♠   ♣ 

 

The Eric Morecambe approach to bridge

"I'm playing all the right cards, but not necessarily in the right order!"

A direct quote from a Tudor member playing on BBO 

♠   ♣ 

What makes a good bridge player isn't the ability to play the difficult hands .....

it's the ability to avoid messing up the easy ones!

♠   ♣

In bridge ...

. . . a good bid is one that resembles the cards you hold!

♠   ♣ 

I think of myself as one of the great bridge theorists . .

but only after I have seen all four hands!

♠   ♣ 

Playing good bridge is 80% statistics, the other half is good luck!
"We're not to supposed to exchange meaningful glances, so stop grimacing when I kick you"
"Our bridge teacher says you should always lead the first card face down!"
"According to this, they're using Standard Signalling!"
"It's like dieting - lose it for one second and WHAMMO, a big bottom!"
"But when I use the 'STOP' card to tell partner to stop bidding I always alert it!
Valentines "No, he won't be playing bridge tonight. He's going to stay in and watch a romantic film with me"
Valentines
"Next time we decide to go on a bridge cruise, I'm doing the booking!"
"I can't be playing bridge 8 days this week!"
"Is that forcing?"
"Even if I thought someone had bid too much, I don't think I would say 'double'!"
“Finesse” is defined as a refined gesture, subtlety in problem solving etc. If you don’t understand that, under no circumstances attempt to have it explained by a bridge player
"A day without bridge wouldn't kill me, but why take the chance?"
If ever you feel inadequate at the bridge table, be grateful you're not this guy!
If ever you feel inadequate at the bridge table, be grateful you're not this guy!
Lead with the wrong suit!
Lead with the wrong suit!
Life is like a game of bridge - only a dummy puts all their cards on the table!
"Mirror, mirror on the wall .... who is the best bridge player of them all?"
"What do you mean you haven't enough patience to play bridge? You have enough patience to sit in front of that T.V. all night long!"
"How did you hurt your leg?" "My partner signals a lot!"
"Well, let's put it this way... No more tennis, no more handball, and no more doubling of small slams unless you have two quick tricks!"
Work is for people who can't play bridge
"Oh, thank heavens, a fourth!"
"I presume you record that hand as 'Passed Out'!"
"I never DREAMT you’d leave me in 7!"
"At our age bridge is the only way we will get to 4 Clubs in one evening!"
"I'm posting our Duplicate Scores on the fridge. It should be a good appetite suppressant!"
"If they have a 'STOP' card, you would think they would have one that says 'I GIVE UP'!"
"I know I should have tried for a slam that time, but I just didn't have the nerve!"
"Mum's playing 6 Hearts doubled. Bet she won't hear you take the lid off the cookie jar!"
"He's been getting all the answers right to the bridge problems in the paper. You don't suppose he's delirious do you?"
Meet your new bridge partners
Meet your new bridge partners
Bridge in the modern world
Bridge in the modern world
"I feel sick. All night long I dreamed we were playing canasta!"
There are only 3 reasons not to lead partner's suit . . .

1.  you don't hold any cards in their suit

2.  you have a fabulous suit of your own

3.  you don't want to partner them next week!

♠   ♣ 

If you only had one wish . . .

Whilst polishing a lamp he saw a flash and a genie appeared. "I will grant you one wish" the genie said.  "I would like world peace" came the response.  "What?  I'm only a genie!"  The man thought again.  "OK" he said, "make me a winning a bridge player".  "Hmmm" the genie pondered, "let me see what I can do about world peace"

♠   ♣ 

"You woke me up when you screamed 'RUFF A CLUB! RUFF A CLUB!'"
"Of course we're not going to experiment on you - we just needed a fourth for a game of bridge
Duplicate Bridge - the only game

where getting an average is considered good!

♠   ♣ 

Most bridge players prefer ...

... consistency in their bridge partners rather than brilliance!

♠   ♣ 

One advantage of bad bidding ...

... is that you get practice at playing in atrocious contracts!

♠   ♣ 

Ever heard of the Elvis Presley lead?

It's when your left hand opponent leads from Ace, Queen round to your King.  The King is not dead!

♠   ♣ 

In bridge ....

... try and learn from the mistakes of others - you won't live long enough to make them all yourself!

♠   ♣ 

"Your play was much better tonight ...

... so were your excuses!"

♠   ♣ 

PASS

is frequently the most difficult bid

♠   ♣ 

"Where is the hand ...

... you held when you were bidding, partner?"

♠   ♣ 

The brain is a wonderful thing ....

.... it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you sit at the bridge table!

♠   ♣ 

Filler - An Ode To Bridge

I’m giving up bridge – tonight’s my last night!
It’s 'amen' to Stayman. I give up the fight.
The insults and muddles are giving me troubles.
I can’t sleep at night for thinking of doubles.

My cards are all rotten
And I have forgotten
Who has played what and what is trump
Whilst sitting for hours on my sore rump

So it’s all over tonight – I’m off to the backwood
I’m bidding goodbye to Gerber and Blackwood.
I can’t stand the pain,
Or getting rubbish cards again.

My partner’s a dope,
I’m losing all hope.
When opponents say “double”
I know we’re in trouble.

My points are not high,
but Partner bids up to the sky!
We’re in seven spades, I doubt if it makes
But then Partner all the tricks she does take.

The defenders feel sick
My partner’s really slick.
Then gone is my sorrow,

I’ll play tomorrow!

"How should I have played that hand, Partner?"

"Under an assumed name!"

♠   ♣ 

When you are Declarer and don't know what to do next . . . .

. . .  put the opponents on lead.  Why should you make all the mistakes?

♠   ♣ 

STANDING AT THE FRONT OF THE CLASS ....

... the bridge tutor tried a new approach.  "Please stand up if you think this game is too difficult for you". 

After a while a gentleman at the back stood up. 

"Do you think bridge is too difficult for you?" the tutor asked. 

"No, I just hate to see you standing there on your own".

“Didn't we tell you? In hot weather we dress quite informally for bridge”
“Didn't we tell you?  In hot weather we dress quite informally for bridge”
I discovered too late that my second Ace of Spades was a club!
I discovered too late that my second Ace of Spades was a club!
BRIDGE IS . . . .

A test of your skill versus the opponents' luck

♠   ♣ 

"Do me a favour, take a few minutes off from playing bridge online. Your eyes will appreciate it!"
"Trust me ...

... I'm your Partner

♠   ♣ 

The Opening Lead Dilemma

He was told never to lead away from a King and so he never did.  One day he passed away and found himself in a bridge game. He was on lead against 4♠  holding: 

♠ Kx,  Kxx,  Kxxx, ♣ Kxxx.

Right then and there he knew where he was!

"Just bid what you've got!"

A competitor was called away on an emergency from a bridge tournament, with the last board still to play. The players asked a kibitzer to take his place although he knew nothing about the game. They told him "Just bid what you've got and follow suit". He sat South and the following bidding sequence ensued:

WEST          NORTH          EAST          SOUTH

   -                    -                    -                   1♣ 

pass                2                 pass              2♠ 

pass                3♣                 pass             3 

pass                4NT              pass             7 

pass               pass              pass

  NORTH  
  ♠  A 9  
  ♥  A K Q 6 5  
  ♦  A K  
  ♣  Q 10 5 4  
WEST   EAST
♠  K Q 10 8   ♠  7 6 5 4 2
  J 10 9 7     8
  Q 10     J 9
♣  K J 8    ♣  9 7 6 3 2
  SOUTH  
  ♠  J 3  
    4 3 2  
    8 7 6 5 4 3 2  
  ♣  A  

South took the lead of the King of ♠  with the A, cashed the A and K of trumps, came to hand with the A of ♣  and played all his diamonds.  On the last one West was hopelessly squeezed in   and ♠ , and ulitmately discarded a , whereupon South made the last four tricks in .

When the opposition saw South's hand they called the Director, who asked for an explanation of the bidding, and got the following explanation "I was told to bid what I've got and I have one club, 2 spades, 3 hearts and 7 diamonds!"

Reversing - a definition

Her reverse was four-four
And I'd told her before,
That reversing shows strength.
And as for the length,
The first bid should always be more!

♠   ♣ 

Duplicate Bridge is not about the cards you hold ...

it's about how you play them!

♠   ♣ 

A Limerick

There once was a player from Tudor,

Who really couldn't be cuter.

He overcalled 1♠ ,

Died as he played,

The post mortem - a four card suiter!

♠   ♣ 

"We had a partnership misunderstanding ...

..... my partner assumed I knew what I was doing!"

♠   ♣ 

There are three types of bridge players .....

.... those who can count and those who can't!

♠   ♣ 

Many a true word . .

The difference between genius and stupidity at the bridge table, is that genius has its limits!

♠   ♣ 

Many a true word . .

South: "Alert!"

East: "Yes?"

South: "I'm requested to further misdescribe my hand."

♠   ♣ 

Many a true word .

The real test of a bridge player isn't in keeping out of trouble, but in escaping once they're in it!

♠   ♣ 

An Ode to Deciding Which Card to Lead

When dummy is to your right, lead the weakest suit in sight,

When dummy is to your left, lead through heft,

Don't be cute - lead partner's suit

You will lose face if you underlead an Ace,

♠   ♣ 

A man noticed three men and a dog playing bridge in a pub.

“That is a very clever dog,” the man commented.

“Not so clever.” said another man, “Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail!”

♠   ♣