A bad night at the Bridge Club

I’m giving up bridge – tonight’s my last night. 

It’s Amen to Stayman – I give up the fight.

The insults and muddles are giving me troubles

And I can’t sleep at night for thinking of doubles.

My cards are all rotten and I have forgotten

Who’s playing and what’s trumps

And what’s gone on my right.

So it’s goodbye to Blackwood, I’m off to the backwood

I’m bidding goodbye to the dear little club.

I can’t stand the hassle, I can’t stand the pain.

I’m getting those bad cards again and again.

I’m giving up bridge – tonight’s a bad night.

Declarer is horrid and nothing goes right.

My partner’s a dope and I’m losing all hope

And when she says double I know we’re in trouble.

My partner’s points are not high and I’m wondering why

She kept on bidding right up to the sky.

We’re in seven spades and all my hope fades

When surprise, surprise, her high bid pays.

We’re winning all tricks, the defenders feel sick

And I have to admit my partner’s a brick.

I’m giving up bridge – tonight’s my last night.

So it’s goodbye to Gerber, I give up the fight.

Be kind to your partners and don’t mind their cheek,

For it’s only a game – oh, I’ll see you next week.

SLOW PLAY
"Won't you play a litle faster?" the Director said to me -
"It's a Congress, not a funeral - I was standing here to see
You trance all through the bidding; now you're trancing as you play...
Though it's Hesitation Mitchell, you can't hesitate all day!
Your playing rate reminds me of the average three-toed sloth.
Don't think you're Tony Forrester or Raymond Brock, or both!

But I was working out the hand (one can't afford to rush);
The speaker was distracting me. I shook my head for hush.
Now was that lead fourth-hghest? No, I dare not play a card
Until I'd planned my strategy, a task I find quite hard.
Could it be third and fifth, perhaps? I stared out into space.
The wisest course, it seemed to me, was not to force the pace.

"You're holding up the movement!" The Director had returned.
His dewlaps danced with dudgeon and his eyes with ire burned.
"Unless you start to play this hand, and play it like a shot
I'll send your name to Aylesbury - they'll give it to you hot!
They'll know just what to do with you, who sit and think for ages:
It's in the Laws and Ethics Book, or else the Yellow Pages!

But I was working out the hand (I've read a lot of books
By Kelsey, Reese and Mollo) so I just ignored his looks.
My gaze was fixed on dummy and I viewed it with unease:
What entry problems would here be if I essayed a squeeze?
An injudicious card from me would quite destroy the play..
So as I fell once more to thought I murmured "Go away"

"Get on with it!" he yelled at me. "What are you trying to prove?
Like Earth, pre-Galileo, sir, we simply do not move!
All these good folk have gathered here at twenty quid a head:
Some think you're cataleptic and the others think you're dead!
I just don't need this aggro; a Director's life is hard -
So, will you, won't you, will you, won't you play a ruddy card?"

The experts all advise a chap impulsive play to curb.
I waved hand dismissively and muttered "Don't disturb...
One cannot rush these matters..." The Director struck his brow
And staggered and fell sideways looking mad as any cow.
Well this was bad! His rude display had quite derailed my train
Of thought. There was no help for it: I'd have to start again.

He reached into his jacket then and expertly withdrew
A standard Aylesbury Magnum (issued by the EBU)
"On fines and penalties," he growled, "I will not waste my breath!
For slow play in this scale, my friend, the penalty is DEATH!"
He fired the gun and through the head (the hole was very neat)
He plugged my patient partner who'd been dozing in his seat!

"You'll want an explanation," the Director calmly said
"You'll want to know just why I shot your partner through the head
When you were the offender. Well, the whole thing is to do
With legal complications, for your family might sue!
I thought about it just in time - I had you in my sights -
Then luckily remembered that a dummy has no rights!

                          Two years have gone by since our lessons began

How can that possibly be?

But with 59 handouts piled up in my files

The Truth, well it is right here to see

Way back in September two thousand and nine

We trouped in so jolly and keen

Ignorance is bliss as the old saying goes

We certainly found out what that means.

The black ones are spades and the frilly ones clubs

The red ones are diamonds and hearts

Four Points for an ace, three for a king

Very soon we were making a start

Tess had us playing the very first day

God this is a doddle we thought

“What auction?” we gasped as she moved us along

That was Mini Bridge you were just taught.

And on to the real stuff the very next week

Balanced hands were the thing at the time

We learned One No Trump and how to respond

And a thing called the Limit Bid Rhyme.

There were Takeouts and Dustbins

Suit changing and forcing

And new rules from seven to twenty

Play high that means AYE, so low must mean NO

How come by brain feels so empty?

You start with a SWOT and move on to a SQOT

Did I mention finessing and ruffing?

There are attitude signals and

Losing Trick Counts

If you don’t play your ace you are bluffing.

And if eight means it’s ever, then nine must be never

Then there’s overcalls, doubles and more

Singletons, doubletons, voids don’t forget

Am I vulnerable? Yes that’s for sure!

Then there’s Stayman and Blackwood

Pre-empts and cues

Red Suit transfers make sure you are winning

Top of an honour, high low, lead fourth down

Oh Tessa, my head is just spinning.

I must read my homework and take it all in

Get more practice and play it on line

Did I really come last at our supervised play?

Oh well, I’ll do better next time.

On this our last day we all feel so sad

That two years have gone by so fast

We’ve loved Friday mornings and had so much fun

We really hoped they could last

We’ve all made great friends and shared many laughs

And now have a grasp of the game

We’ve a network of pals with whom we can play

Or join other groups without shame.

So thank you dear Tessa for all you have done

In your effort to teach us to play

You were patient, hard working, professional too

But still made it fun every day.

With Hilary, Anders, Rob and the rest

Our grounding is steady and sure

You’ve not seen the last of us make no mistake

Because soon we’ll be begging for more.

                                                         Elaine Goodwin July, 2011

The Limit Bid Rhyme

Limit Bids go up the line   

One heart - two hearts  6 -9 

In case of game we need to delve

 One heart - three hearts 10 - 12

 More than this we make a fuss

One heart - 4 hearts - 13 plus