Malcolm reflects on three slams at the Mid Anglia Pairs held at Woodbridge. Click on Suffolk@TheNationals to read more.
Hertfordshire has released details of its popular green pointed congress next July.
The two day event will be on Saturday 20 and Sunday 21 July at the usual venue - Wodson Park, Wadesmill Road, Ware SG12 0UQ.
For all the details click on HERTS. To enter on line, click PAIRS (Saturday) and/or TEAMS (Sunday)
A card play technique highlighted by Andrew Robson during a Masterclass held locally provided the answer to playing a tricky hand at the Ipswich & Kesgrave bridge club. Suffolk captain Rick Hanley explains how. Click on ANALYSIS to read more.
Are you one of Suffolk's 'missing' bridge players who is consistently left in the dark about local competitions and news?
Up to 200 of the county's 1,000 EBU members could be affected because information, such as an inaccurate email address, is on the EBU database - or simply does not exist.
The good news is that you can check and, if necessary, update your personal details. To find out how click on MISSING
Richard Evans & Paul Rickard are the new webmasters running Suffolk's dedicated bridge website.
If you would like to publicise a forthcoming event or submit a news item for this website click Richard or Paul
'Every effort was made to arrange the bridge so that at the end of two weeks it was almost impossible for anybody who wasn't actually certifiably abnormally stupid to go home without a prize. David and I achieved that unenviable distinction with something to spare but at least it never rained and nobody tried to stab me - so judged by my previous standards it was a great holiday.'
'Every effort was made to arrange the bridge so that at the end of two weeks it was almost impossible for anybody who wasn't actually certifiably abnormally stupid to go home without a prize. David and I achieved that unenviable distinction with something to spare but at least it never rained and nobody tried to stab me - so judged by my previous standards it was a great holiday.'
Christmas is not my favourite time of year even though, like The Curate's much quoted Egg, I find it good in parts. Confessing to this secular heresy is almost guaranteed to unite all you devout worshippers of Mammon and the great annual celebration of capitalist consumerism and carnivorous over-indulgence, with the desire to enliven the dull days of January with a revival of 'The Wicker Man' with me taking the role of Edward Woodward.
I do enjoy Christmas Day very much, not least because no turkeys, chickens, geese, rabbits, or (should any Danish nationals be reading this), herrings, are hurt in the production of my gourmet enjoyment. I'm prepared to concede that Dickens having Scrooge call down to the boy in the street on Christmas morning to go and buy the plumpest nut roast he could find wouldn't have worked half so well in flagging up the old skinflint's change of heart but I do wonder if his new-found philanthropy survived beyond Twelfth Night.
Christmas Day is definitely not my problem but the preceding month and the seemingly even longer ten days that follow it most surely are. Bridge holidays have provided me with a blessed, albeit partial, escape not only from December's purgatory but holiday hell in general.
I have always been rubbish at holidays, or at least holidays in the sense of spending a lot of money in order to inflict on myself all the well-known stress and misery of planes and boats and trains and a thousand miles of terrifying motorway driving just to translate myself to somewhere where the rain is a bit warmer.
I once spent four days in Cornwall in early summer during which time it never stopped raining. I was a lot younger then and I had congenial company so it wasn't difficult to find ways (just one way really) to pass the time while we waited for the rain to stop. By Thursday we had run out of energy and patience and concluded that the rain was never going to stop and drove home. It was still raining as we crossed the Devon border and for all I know it's been raining in Cornwall ever since – I've never been back to find out. My eldest son is precisely as old by as many years as that 'holiday' is in the past - minus nine months - so I suppose you could argue that it wasn't a completely wasted trip but I think we could have achieved the same result with less expense by staying at home.
I actually surpassed my Cornwall achievement during a week's holiday in Northern Cyprus. Just to be clear, I am referring now to the level of rainfall rather than the number of pregnancies. I can't swear that nobody became pregnant in Northern Cyprus while I was there but I am absolutely certain that I was in no way involved if they did.
My week there coincided exactly with the wettest week ever previously recorded on the island and this time there was no opportunity for the alternative indoor recreational activities available in Cornwall and no early escape because I had flown to the island on the only (Turkish) airline that provided a service to a land mass that the rest of the non-Turkish world refused, and still refuses, to acknowledge even exists.
Twenty years or so ago flights in and out of the island were so limited as to be almost newsworthy so there was no way I could leave until my sentence was up. Somewhere around day four the rain briefly relented and the friends I was there to visit took me to look at the wonderful castles that sit atop the mountains and are straight out of a Christopher Lee Dracula, Hammer House of Horror, film.
The only way up to the best of them was, and I hope still is, an hour's walk up a near vertical winding path that was more 'goat' than 'foot'. When we made it to the top it was snowing heavily and very cold (perhaps February wasn't the best time to be there). We were astonished to find two other people had made the climb before us. They were from Ipswich (really) and just on the strength of my 'good morning' to my considerable dismay and annoyance they unhesitatingly picked up the Suffolk accent I had spent the previous thirty years trying to eradicate. The snow eventually cleared and the views were stunning but otherwise it was thank you for almost nothing Northern Cyprus and it joined Cornwall on my list of places to be avoided in future. It didn't rain once in Senegal but I was only there for about a day so perhaps I didn't give it a fair chance. I still managed to come close to being knifed so just to be on the safe side I have since ruled out the entirety of Africa as a holiday destination.
Just when I thought all hope was lost along came bridge and bridge Xmas/New Year holidays.
I still think the long Christmas/New Year Holiday must be a lot more fun in the southern hemisphere but I can't afford to go there to find out and not one of my extended family or friends has ever had the good sense or common decency to emigrate there so that I can invite myself to freeload on them.
Fortunately, I can just about afford to stump up the cash for a ticket to such exotic locations as Bournemouth, Blackpool, and Bognor where it still rains throughout my entire stay but I no longer care because I'm not there for the winter sunshine and so far at least nobody has tried to stab me despite my appalling bidding.
Not only that but so far I've always managed to be paired with delightful partners and we have got along famously although always with a notable lack of master point success. Two years ago I got as far as the Algarve and spent two weeks bathed in perfect sunshine during the shortest days of the year and playing my bridge with a delightful chap who had achieved the probably now impossible feat of joining the old GPO as a dogsbody tea-boy straight from school and retired from British Telecom as The Head of Almost Everything.
Every effort was made to arrange the bridge so that at the end of two weeks it was almost impossible for anybody who wasn't actually certifiably abnormally stupid to go home without a prize. David and I achieved that unenviable distinction with something to spare but at least it never rained and nobody tried to stab me - so judged by my previous standards it was a great holiday.
Jack was sitting with his back towards me in North's playing position with the upper half of his body slumped over the table and the lower half looking just as animated. Being, as I then was, a very inexperienced player and this being my first night at the Club I was already somewhat apprehensive but, there being no other chair available I parked myself in the East chair at Jack's table. At that range it became immediately obvious that I was looking at a man with at least two hobbies one of which was bridge and the other wasn't.
North on the table nearest the door was Jack's spot and with good reason. Swiftness of foot and accurate navigation featured nowhere in his skill set so it made sense to park him in a lay by at the start of the session and let the table-movement traffic flow round him thereafter. More than that, given the highly flammable air around him, his coincidental immediate proximity to the only fire extinguisher in the room was both expedient and reassuring. Unsurprisingly Jack neither offered or took cognizance of the traditional courtesies upon my arrival at his table but it was difficult to take offence at the absence of a cheery greeting from a man who gave every appearance of being in a coma. His partner caught my enquiring look and waved a dismissive hand: 'He'll be fine when we get started'.
I was by no means convinced because, little as I knew about the game at that time, I was pretty clear on the need to be awake when you were playing. The ability to pass a sobriety test might also be helpful. I very soon understood that in Jack's case the former requirement was only partly true and the latter quite unnecessary.
Jack responded to the almost inaudible sound of cards being taken from their boards in the way that dormant snowdrops notice a few minutes of extra daylight in early January. When play started Jack's head was up and the clouds cleared from that part of his brain wherein he played bridge and he was in a different league to everybody else.
Jack saw no reason to cut into his rest by playing more than he absolutely had to and that was often very little. He sometimes needed no more than five or six rounds to establish the whereabouts of every significant unplayed card. The next step was to inform the opposition at machine gun speed what they were holding and how the rest of the board would play out and the dozen alternative ways of playing the remaining cards that would lead to the same finish. It made no difference whether he was declarer or defender. It's common for a defending pair to throw in the towel when it is plain to all that further resistance is useless but Jack would do it a long time before anybody else at the table had even begun to consider the possibility. He knew exactly what declarer and everybody else was holding and how he would play those cards and assumed that whoever was holding them would play them just as competently. That was highly debatable in my case but I was happy to accept his conclusion if it favoured me.
The first time I saw him do his party piece it left me utterly bewildered and it took quite a lot of bridge to flow under the bridge (every pun intended) before my pride would allow me to confess that I hadn't understood a word of his explanation and ask him to take me through it at a pace at which I might hope to be able to grasp something. I don't recall at what point I felt sufficiently emboldened to challenge one of Jack's judgements but one night it happened or at least I heard myself utter a small mewling noise which might have meant almost anything but, coming as it did right after one of Jack's claims about halfway through the hand, he took it to be the challenge I suppose I had intended it to be.
Jack for all his bibulous eccentricities was unfailingly civil and pleasant and I soon came to like him very much. His failing was that like many people with a natural gift he could never grasp that everybody else couldn't do what he did so effortlessly. Thus it was that he now regarded me with a look that silently asked (implored even) how it could be that I was unable to see what to him was so blindingly obvious. If there was any irritation in his look it was only because the time needed to answer my imbecile question was eating into his nap before the next table movement. Imagine Albert Einstein explaining General Relativity to Homer Simpson and you'll understand why I gave up trying to follow Jack's patient explanation of his claim and let the man go to sleep. Were it not for the plentiful evidence of his incisive bridge brain I should have suspected him of being one of the game's great conmen.
His self-assurance could perhaps have been seen as arrogance by anybody who didn't know that hubris was no part of his nature. There was the time when warned by his partner that he was holding his cards in such a way as to allow the opponents to see his cards Jack's deadpan response was that it would make no difference because he would still win the hand. This exchange took place well away from the heat of battle so no disrespect was being shown to any particular opponents but it could be argued that he was displaying a somewhat disdainful attitude to them all. It might also be said that Jack could have worded his response to his partner more diplomatically but I'm sure that as far as he was concerned he was simply stating an incontrovertible fact.
The moment that put Jack into my personal Hall of Bridge Fame came during a sequence of bidding during which I was demonstrating my well-honed and peerless ability to dig my partnership into a bottomless pit of hopeless despair. By the second round of bidding my partner had disappeared inside a miasma of self-generated steam and my next bid brought forth an audible cry of anguish from within the mist across the table. Even the most kindly and affable of opponents might at this point have been entirely within their rights to have called the director to rule upon the question of unauthorised information but that was not Jack's way. Without missing a beat, eyes alight with mischief he turned to me and laconically enquired: ' And what do you understand by your partner's scream?'. How can you not love a man like that?
I wanted to ask the landlord of the inn: 'Did you by any chance have an ancestor in the same line of business in Bethlehem about 2,000 years ago?'
Christmas has come and gone for another year and yet it hasn't. We are in that Neverland period that lies somewhere between forever and eternity trapped in a timeless and bridgeless vortex as we swirl down the wormhole of the old year with nothing to mark the passage of time save for summer holiday adverts on the telly and the appearance of Easter eggs in the shops.
I've abandoned all hope that 2019 will ever arrive and normality be restored so I'm escaping to spend a few days sunning myself at one of Shropshire's many renowned beach resorts and play a little bridge.
Unfortunately, I have been rumbled by my esteemed editor who feels that the tale of Jack's Christmas should be completed before the traditional twelve days of the Season have elapsed rather than after. He seems to feel that somebody out there actually wants to know if I made good on my undertaking to look after Jack or abandoned him to die huddled miserably against his own front door in the best festive traditions of a Dickensian Christmas.
I won't say I didn't consider it because with the amount of alcohol in his system Jack was never going to freeze so I had no fear of him actually being found dead in the morning. That said I could easily see that leaving him to improvise his own igloo on such a chilly night might very well give rise to an ongoing frostiness in our personal relationship.
There was also the thought that if my faith in Jack's natural antifreeze properties proved to be misplaced I didn't relish the prospect of playing my bridge for the next 25 years in a secure facility as a member of a club exclusively composed of convicted murderers. I therefore considered my remaining options and none of them seemed promising but taking him home with me was definitely bottom of the list. You will think me lacking in Christian charity and you would be right – up to a point. It seemed precipitate to draw on the shallow pool of my own goodwill before offering the chance to others and to this end we set off back into town to reprise the original Christmas story with, I hoped, a better outcome.
By now it was very late and few lights from yonder windows shone out onto the town square but I was looking for signs of life at the inn and, sure enough, there was. It was long gone tipping out time and the landlord and his staff were enjoying that moment at the end of each day when they could close the bar, bolt the door, and at last kick back and relax – and I was about to do my utmost to ruin it. I was planning to take it in stages and to this end I parked Jack out of sight by leaning him against a wall before tapping on the window and enquiring if there was room at the inn.
My plan was a variation of the hitch-hiking wheeze sometimes seen in so-called road movies wherein our young (male) hero hides by the roadside leaving his knock-down, drag-out, desirable love-interest to stick out her thumb. There follows a screech of brakes and a big surprise and disappointment for the duped - obviously male, middle-age and overweight as demanded by the script - driver who finds he has not one but two passengers as the boyfriend dives from cover and into the back seat ahead of his girlfriend. It was never going to work for me.
'How many is it for?', mine would-be host enquired from behind the window.
Now why would he be asking that question of me if I had been half as clever at concealing Jack's presence as I thought I'd been?
'Just one', I replied, mustering as much innocence as I was capable of in the circumstances.
'Which one of you would that be?' Our furtive approach had obviously been spotted and I was definitely fingered.
There was nothing for it but to produce exhibit 'A' and hope that some residual festive spirit might still abide in the face behind the window – it didn't!
’We're full! said the face in a tone that made it clear this was not the opening round of negotiations. I'll grant you that Jack was nobody's idea of a messiah but he was the saviour of many a distiller, brewer and vintner and that in my opinion should have counted for rather more in the estimation of somebody who after all made a large part of his living by selling alcohol. If his inn really was full why had he wasted his time and mine with preliminary questions to which the answers were entirely irrelevant?
I wanted to ask the landlord: 'Did you by any chance have an ancestor in the same line of business in Bethlehem about 2,000 years ago?' But I didn't as we made a humiliating retreat back to my car. My final chance to make Jack somebody else's problem was to implement plan B.
Plan B worked like a charm and the telling of it would have made a more entertaining conclusion to the story of Jack's Christmas than this rather tame ending but in the interests of the privacy of the participants I have imposed some self-censorship.
Jack got his bed for the night and breakfast in the morning at which time he also casually produced his front door key. This at least spared me the trouble of returning to pick him up and tackle afresh the problem of getting him into his house.
It was also the only time in the saga when I felt a flash of real irritation: he'd had that damned key somewhere on him the whole time the previous night and yet we had turned out every pocket and still not found it. I said at the beginning of part one that I said that I hadn't found a place for The Great Escape but I was wrong.
The success of Plan B allowed me to escape the problem of getting Jack up a flight of stairs and then providing him with a bed for the night in my one-bedroom, first floor flat and all the mayhem that might have entailed. My reward for the great mercy of not leaving him to die was to be presented with a rather good bottle of wine by Jack. A gift which was somewhat wasted on my barbarian epicurean tastes and said a lot more about Jack's generous nature than the events that prompted it revealed about mine.
The shop window displays have been telling me the Festive Season has been well under way since late August so it seems high time for a Suffolk bridge Christmas story.
This one is a clunky marriage of Dickensian tradition and our own contemporary age of permanent austerity including as it does: snow (lots of it), an inn with no room (allegedly), a Scrooge (that would be me) and a messiah (or at least somebody I tried to pass off as one).
I realise that a couple of those pre-date Dickens by a few years but if the manufacturers of Christmas cards can get away with heavy snowfall in Bethlehem I reckon I'm entitled to mix a few traditions myself. It doesn't have Father Christmas or any reindeer and I couldn't find a place for Morecombe and Wise or The Great Escape.
Oh! I almost forgot, there's no ghost story and it didn't happen at Christmas. How could it, there's been no snow on Christmas Day in Suffolk since 1962 and bridge clubs, along with everything else you get any fun out of, close down for two weeks of enforced crushing tedium and the renewal of old family feuds. I told you there was a Scrooge.
I am telling this Almost Christmas tale out of sequence because it began life as the middle(ish) chunk of a larger piece on the singular exploits of a legendary bridge character, Jack, who I met on my first night at a bridge club long ago located on an insignificant planet orbiting a star on the outer spiral arm of an unremarkable galaxy.
Strange to relate Christmas was celebrated there just as it is here and alcohol played as an important role in cranking up the festive cheer in many a party-goer and nobody cranked harder than Jack. Such was his dedication to cultivating the spirit of Christmas that he practised ceaselessly throughout the year and I never once saw him when he was not awash with the spirits of good cheer, even in high summer.
On the night of our tale Jack had arrived at the club, as always, as a passenger in somebody else's car for the glaringly obvious reason that he was barely capable of steering himself, much less a car. There had been no hint of snow at 7.00 p.m. but three hours later it was inches deep and still piling up.
Jack's lift was in the fortunate position of being on the last sit-out table and thus able to make an early exit but only if somebody else would agree to get Jack home after the final boards had been played. In a fit of misguided altruism I heard myself volunteering and thus was the scene set for disaster.
At the conclusion of play I poured Jack into my car and off we went at a cautious crawl through the falling snow for the relatively short drive to Jack's home. Upon arrival I extricated the now more or less comatose Jack from the passenger seat and got him focussed on the matter of finding his door key. There followed a lot of fruitless fumbling in pockets of increasing squalor as the searching hands dug deeper into archaeological layers of antiquity – pens, pencils, packets of peppermints that had been old when the dinosaurs were young, handfuls of pre-decimal loose change, missing scraps of the Dead Sea Scrolls, elastic bands, paper clips, a corkscrew (obviously) but door keys were there none.
Then, when all seemed lost, Jack remembered he kept a front door key in his garden shed for just such an emergency as this: praise be, I was saved! Except I wasn't because his garden was surrounded by a six-foot solid brick wall with just one portal, a gate he kept barred on the inside which could be opened only by going through the house. Unfazed by discovering this minor flaw in his emergency house key plan, Jack announced his intention to climb over the wall and proceeded to try.
I don't know if you've ever watched a 5 foot 6 inch, inebriated, septuagenarian attempt to scale a six-foot wall. It has a certain Charlie Chaplin/Buster Keaton entertainment value but it wears off pretty quickly at close to midnight on a freezing January night with a few inches of snow on the ground and more falling around you. I surveyed the wall for just long enough to confirm what I'd known for the last several years: my days of climbing six foot walls even under perfect conditions were over.
By now I was in full panic mode but Jack was brim full of great ideas. His next involved smashing in the glass side panelling of his door porch and from somewhere he produced the perfect tool for the job – except of course it wasn't. I had no idea what it was or where he mysteriously produced it from unless it was from the fourth dimension of his pockets. Whatever it was it had all the attributes of a tool purpose-made to be just heavy enough to create the characteristic noises of an air raid but nowhere near meaty enough to make the smallest impression on Jack's front door. After a few seconds of ineffectual flailing Jack hit upon the solution – I should break down his door.
Now I don't know about you, but my personal code of conduct has very strict rules about smashing down other people's front door in the middle of the night even if they ask me to. Jack's neighbours obviously shared my view because by now lights were going on up and down the street and it wasn't too long before we (by which I mean, I) was engaged in a chat about our situation with two representatives of the county constabulary both of whom, judging by their youthful appearance, were on a fortnight's work experience before leaving school.
It didn't look too good at first what with Jack slowly subsiding against his front door still armed with his nameless and useless door smasher and me in the role of the onlooking Fagin to his superannuated Artful Dodger. The phrase 'going equipped to steal' sprang immediately to my mind and I felt it wasn't too far away from the thoughts of the County's Finest.
I launched into an explanation of our plight taking care to bore them senseless with an entirely irrelevant explanation about the role of the sit-out table in placing me in my present predicament. The role of alcohol in placing Jack in his, sitting in the snow leaning against his front door, seemed to speak for itself.
Police training must devote weeks to developing that look of world-weary suspicion worn by all Peelers, but after scrutinising the Ladybird Book of Bad Things You Can Nick People For these two decided that attempting to break into your own house while under the influence wasn't one of them.
I hoped perhaps there might be something in there that would allow them to feel Jack's collar for his terrible taste in jackets but if there was they decided against it, probably mindful of their station sergeant's injunction at the start of their shift about not filling up his Nick with a lot of rubbish during the night. I don't know what powers they had to get Jack into his house but with me there they had an easy way out and they happily took it after I gave my second stupid answer of the night to the question: 'Will you look after him, sir?' and out of my mouth came the word: ‘Yes.’
Find out what happened to Jack – and to me - in the New Year...
I have been asked to give what passes for my thoughts to the matter of behaviour at table. I took this to refer specifically to the bridge table rather than all the stuff your mother ground into you about not picking the tricky bits up off the plate with your hands and the absolute requirement to suffer the epicurean horrors of at least one of Auntie Mary's gruesome cucumber sandwiches before you were allowed to pile into the cream cakes.
Recently I had the opportunity to observe a number of my fellow players enjoying a quality tea in Colchester and so far as I could tell the most simian eating style on display was my own which confirmed that I was on the right track.
I have serious doubts that I am the right person for the job because I am of the opinion that all so-called 'improving' texts are doomed to failure from the outset because they are aimed at the wrong people by which I mean everybody, a category, Dear Reader, that includes you but obviously not me.
You see my point: I can see the logical absurdity in what comes next but I hold it as axiomatic that anybody who presumes to apply to be a JP or any other role in which judging the morality and behaviour of others plays a part should automatically be disqualified from further consideration for the job. More than this, I have the rare and unwanted distinction of being effectively excluded, albeit not actually slung out of, from a bridge club for my own alleged bad behaviour, but I suppose you could say that this at least gives me some sort of perverse legitimacy to pontificate on the subject.
More of this later because the prospect of reading about somebody else's fall from grace (in this case, mine) is what sells the tackier sort of Sunday newspapers and what keeps your index finger working that mouse chasing the clickbait in the hope that eventually you'll get to the really juicy bit that is constantly hinted at but, unsurprisingly, never materialises. Even laboratory rats get a better deal than that because rats are smart enough to stop playing the game if they don't get a prize and so Dear Reader will you. Just try to regard the next few paragraphs as Auntie Mary's mandatory cucumber sandwiches and then you can have that cream cake you've got your eyes on.
I see you're still here with me. Well done for not cheating and skipping to the end. Social conditioning is a wonderful thing and cheating is one sin to which bridge players are immune. Goodness knows what else they get up to when I'm not around to police their behaviour but on the matter of cheating they could hand out lessons in proper behaviour to any supreme deity you care to name.
Back in my early days of playing the game the opponent on my left called the director and I went straight into my default meltdown panic mode trying to figure out what I'd done wrong (Mother, you did your work too well) but it wasn't me, it was him. He had turned himself in for an inadvertent offence when neither me or my equally naïve and panicked partner had a clue that our opponent had infringed any shibboleths.
Remind yourself of the last time you saw a footballer pick himself up off the grass inside the eighteen-yard box and plead with the referee not to award a penalty because the sprawling player had not been fouled but simply fallen over his own feet. Then try to recall how many times you have seen a referee issue a yellow card to a player for 'diving' in the same situation – you can stop when you get to double digits.
The traditional verities of good sportsmanship held sacred by our Victorian forebears still burn strongly in Suffolk bridge players but we live in the here and now and are not immune to the influences of changing social norms.
Most of us grew up in a world in which overt displays of any emotion were generally not encouraged and frequently downright frowned upon - but not anymore. Upper lips, once so admirably stiff at all times, are now liable to dissolve into flabby lassitude or curl into a threatening snarl at any moment and at the least excuse.
Showing your feelings is the new best behaviour and getting outraged without much provocation has become almost de rigueur. A famous female tennis player recently lost her temper with an umpire who had the temerity to rule against her because she had done nothing wrong save for the little matter of violating the rules of the game.
He, and the watching crowd, were treated to a volcanic hissyfit and volley of abuse by the outraged player who had until then presumably played her entire career in the belief that the rules applied exclusively to her opponent. Far from being condemned and criticised for it her outburst was widely hailed as a principled stand against injustice generally and against women in particular.
Maybe so, but there was at least one woman in the world who didn't look as if she felt her interests were being best served at the time and that was Miss Hissyfit's innocent and distressed opponent. She remained a helpless spectator throughout and received no such outpouring of support from the online social media mob, nor did the unfortunate umpire receive the backing he should have received from the game's thoroughly cowed governing body.
It seems like not that long time ago there was a certain male tennis star whose name was prominent in the same sport and who was much given to employing colourful language when disputing with the umpire whether there had or had not been evidence of chalk dust in the air where the ball had alighted on the court. There were signs even then that a limited number of highly vocal fans delighted in his tiresome antics but most didn't and fewer still regarded this spoiled rich kid as a champion of the oppressed.
A few old fuddyduddies, me among them, thought the more recent display of bad sportmanship was just that and no more regardless of the rights and wrongs of her grievance. That it happened at all and the reaction it provoked is symptomatic of a malaise that has been growing in society and hence our sport and leisure pursuits for a couple of decades.
Football was the first to fall and is long past redemption on this matter and shows no sign of caring that it is. Cricket, that iconic symbol of English village life and supposedly gentlemanly game is too often blighted at all levels of the game by cheating and displays of vitriolic abuse directed at umpires and opposition.
Rugby, golf, and snooker continue to hold a firm line against the tacit acceptance and outright approval of behaviour that would have appalled generations of long-dead Victorian imperialists for whom millions of the present Internet generation have nothing but scorn - but regard it as quite acceptable to make anonymous online threats of violence and worse against anybody who offends in any way against their own narrow, holier-than-thou, world view.
I mention all of the above merely as contextual scenery you understand but pause a while and recall any time you have had to sit helplessly in your chair and be subjected to a hissyfit or watch an opponent suffer one slung across your bows at close range – didn't feel good did it! Now consider again whether you, perish the thought, were ever guilty of launching one?
Most bridge players I know and see around me wherever I play are of a generation that can do no other than subscribe to the older code of behaviour. Tapping out online abuse is never going to be an option for those of us for whom the telephone still represents cutting-edge technology. I wouldn't have the first idea about how to 'flame' anybody via online social media even if I wanted to and I think I have finally convinced the Suffolk Constabulary that heavy breathing calls are the only kind of calls I am able to make these days because I breathe like that all the time.
For many of us the bridge table represents one of a dwindling number of opportunities to misbehave, but in my experience it is an opportunity rarely taken. Bridge players are a pretty decent lot and uncivil comments, outright insults or outbursts of temper directed at their opponents are rare but not entirely unknown – which brings me back neatly but reluctantly to my own darkest bridge hour and your promised cream cake.
On my very first foray into the world of club bridge in a time long ago on, a planet light years away from our own, I was paired with a woman whose wardrobe must have been responsible for a worldwide shortage of tweed.
By way of introduction she informed me quite explicitly that she regarded herself as the sole arbiter of who was and who was not a fit person to become a member of the club. Judging by what she said it seemed a foregone conclusion that if I wasn't already on her unfit list I pretty soon would be but for now I was safe because she had more immediate priorities and obligingly pointed out her intended victims around the room.
This was a woman on a crusade who plainly had no doubts that she had been called upon by a higher power to rid the bridge world of unbelievers or anybody not wearing tweed which in her scheme of things was one and the same thing. Her culling method was simple and brutal: she made the lives of her victims miserable until they caved in and left the club and if her own testimony was to be believed she already had an impressively long list of kills that testified to the efficacy of her methods.
I survived that first session and I suppose might still be at the club had I not very soon after joining formed a partnership with a player who the Supreme Deity's chosen instrument of worldly cleansing had pointed out to me on that first day as earmarked for her personal perdition.
A session rarely passed when my partner was not subjected to The Treatment until the day came when he finally lost patience and retaliated with an impassioned outburst and was sent packing. If the Tweed Woman’s behaviour was perceived by some as a sort of amusing and harmless eccentricity to be uncomplainingly endured by her selected targets and indulged by those who were not, I had no inclination to indulge it when my turn inevitably came around
It came quicker than I expected as I found Tweed Woman had moved me to the top of her hit list. While I had got along famously with my departed partner, by a remarkable trick of self-justifying mental gymnastics the previously unknown fifth Horsewoman of the Apocalypse mounted on a tweed horse (what else?) now informed me that his exit from the club was of my doing and not hers.
My punishment was to be that she would ensure that I would shortly follow her latest kill out of the door. You might wonder why it was that rather than take the perverse credit for an outcome she had sought to achieve she now wished to retrospectively bestow it on me. I wondered that too but a mediocre GCSE in woodwork has left me ill-equipped to provide answers to such mysteries thrown up by the human condition.
You might also be wondering why I was still there and I have long considered it to be to my dishonour that I was but, like the equally persecuted and downtrodden Baldrick of Blackadder fame, I had 'a cunning plan my lord'. No matter what Tweed Woman did or said I was going to remain polite and calm under every provocation and one day she would become so frustrated by her failure to grind me down she would overcook things so far that nobody in the room could ignore or deny what had happened. And then I would submit a formal complaint. My plan worked brilliantly – up to a point.
The Grim Reaper finally lost the plot entirely one afternoon and continued to abuse me even from the other side of the room while play was in progress and I had departed for other tables. It continued for a long time and through it all I said nothing and the director and everybody else behaved as if nothing untoward was happening. That should have given me the clue that my cunning plan had a fatal flaw and so it proved.
With my complaint submitted I absented myself, while I waited for the wheels of justice to turn. It took a very long time to happen but a disciplinary hearing was eventually convened to which I was not invited but during the course of it Tweed Lady had evidently made counter-accusations. I was never made privy to what my alleged crimes were ('not appropriate') but I must have been found guilty of something because I was pronounced to be 50% at fault. Given that my former partner had been found to be entirely at fault I left with the satisfaction of knowing I had at least brought about a 50% improvement in the standard of offending at that club.
I spent nine years in the Army and never once fell foul of military justice. Three of those years were subject to the disciplinary standards of the Coldstream Guards, an organisation not generally renowned for its easy going ways and willingness to overlook wrongdoing. I came through all that without a scratch but the disciplinary code of the Tweed Woman broke me inside nine months.
Like my erstwhile partner before me I was neither thrown out nor welcomed back but be it understood I was both under a cloud and under notice for my future good behaviour. I decided that if the measure of my future good behaviour was a willingness to go on uncomplainingly putting up with insults and abuse on a weekly basis then my previous behaviour was about as good as it was ever likely to get. I had long since removed myself to Framlingham where they were nowhere near as fussy about who they allowed in and given my continuing presence there they evidently still aren't.
I will grant you this is a pretty extreme example of the kind of behaviour. The greatest offence, as I experienced it, was to be victimised and offended and then be so offensive as to complain about it.
Victim blaming or persecuting the whistle-blower has been, and continues to be seemingly ingrained in every society and organisation. Toxic personalities are by definition unpleasant to deal with and it's far easier to kill the innocent messenger.
Just refer to any established church, major corporation or government agency for numerous historic examples of how this has been done for centuries. The recent bursting on to the scene of the #MeToo movement has brought about a seemingly dramatic reversal of this culture of victim-blaming but is just as rapidly being hijacked by the online social media mob for whom accusation equals proven guilt and never mind all that tiresome admissible evidence nonsense.
Malevolent, pre-meditated targeting of individuals must thankfully be rare but one too often encounters bullying behaviour directed not at the opposition but at a playing partner. The carefully constructed and well maintained sluice gates that regulate the ebb and flow of changing emotions between life partners usually allows the tide to flow in and out with only the occasional overspill to threaten anybody standing on the river bank. Other life partners can spot a potential rip tide when they see one and wisely decline to get into the water together. The post-round jousting of life partners who do play together can often be highly entertaining in much the same way as those highly stylised sword fights in the final climatic scene of any sword and sandal epic. There's a good deal of swinging from handy roof fittings, jumping on tables, dodging round hefty stone pillars and grappling on the floor with each giving blow for blow for a few minutes before our hero lands the death blow and the dastardly villain gets his just deserts.
The only part of this scenario missing at the bridge table is the death blow because neither partner intends to land it or even gets within a mile of threatening it because each has perfect knowledge of the others style of swordplay. It's all jolly good play-fighting fun to watch and saves the need for conversation while waiting for the director to move us on.
I can think of two couples who do this particularly well but I'm not saying because I don't want to cramp their style. There are many partnerships, whether life or otherwise, who are entirely accepting and phlegmatic in the aftermath of even the greatest disaster. Hand post mortems at the table are part of the game and there's no problem with them so long as they are conducted in a friendly, non-judgemental, atmosphere. Heated or carping destructive recriminations are something else again.
It just baffles me why it is that some players turn up week in and year out with the certain knowledge they will spend a large part of the next three and a half hours being told by their partner just how hopeless they are at the game
I am equally perplexed about why anybody would want to spend every week playing with somebody they think is hopeless. If they really believe this then it should have occurred to them a long time ago that the alleged incompetent they have been playing with for the last several years has shown no sign of improvement despite having had the supposed benefit of their unrelenting post-round sledging for all that time.
Common sense dictates it might be better to find a partner with a glimmer of intelligence and dump the dullard with whom they have amassed a meagre 2.5 million masterpoints and become the only partnership ever to attain the rank of Five Star Premier Life Master Grand Wizard with Candycrunch Sprinkles.
Having perforce to be exposed to this flow of post-board, low intensity, corrosive verbal bile across the table is one of the most unpleasant experiences associated with the game. Dealing with these cases requires a partnership understanding that goes beyond bidding and cardplay and is nowhere to be found on any system card. At the first hint of trouble by known offenders at a prearranged secret signal both partners politely but swiftly depart more or less simultaneously on unannounced missions to anywhere that gets them away from the scene of conflict. Anybody who leaves their partner to face it alone is a rotter.
I have yet to devise a satisfactory ploy to get me and my partner away from the post-board attentions of the opponent who 'offers' you the benefit of their observations on what you did wrong. Or, better still, all the clever things they did right but, it is artfully implied, you were too stupid to spot at the time. This is another situation in which deserting your partner should be punished with a good horse whipping but I checked and the EBU rather frowns on it so a deeply wounded countenance and a chilly demeanour for the next few boards will probably have to serve. 'Advising' an opponent is a way of getting around the prohibition on gloating by dropping into character as a bringer of wisdom and solace and there is no known defence to it short of murder. It could be just me of course but I'm usually not quite at my most receptive to so-called advice from an opponent when I've just gone four off doubled and vulnerable in three no-trumps on a hand where every other pair in my seat has made plus one (a not-altogether uncommon occurrence in my case).
The gloater/advisor knows this perfectly well and feeds off it. I am opposed to the death penalty under all circumstances save this one and, incidentally, sloppy parking. Some will protest that this runs contrary to the spirit of best behaviour at table and is a plain incitement to violence but I beg to differ. It is the provocations of the gloating opponent which is the incitement to violence but does the Old Bill come piling through the door and slap on the bracelets as they would in a country with a half-decent criminal justice system – it does not!
Of course, even gloating has its unintended lighter moments and one I have particularly fond memories of is the lecture I received from an opponent which dwelt at length on all the errors I had just made and what I should have done instead. She received my unwavering attention because what I knew and what she had somehow failed to spot was that I had scored a rather poor 100% and her side of the contest had mopped up the rest.
I am the perfect partner of course so long as you don't put too much of a priority on actually winning anything. My eyebrows on the other hand are the partner from hell and cause endless trouble by allegedly betraying what I imagine to be the impassive visage displayed below. Playing with partners I know to be rather better than I am helps no end with suppressing any thought I might have to verbally criticise as does the awareness that the five foot and a bit of outwardly angelic serenity that is my Framlingham partner would quietly and calmly remove my liver and take it home for her cat if I ever did. Fortunately, my tell-tale autonomous eyebrows are not admissible evidence of wrongdoing in the same way that she cannot be held legally accountable for the outrages committed by her cat so my liver stays where I like to keep it.
Should I in future be partnered with you, Dear Reader, and I find you staring intently at my forehead it will at least serve to reassure me that somebody reads this stuff. You might at some point be unable to suppress a comment on my bewildering bidding and limited card-play or compare my intelligence unfavourably with something growing on your shower curtain. Once or twice is understandable and just about excusable but should you develop too much of a taste for it you may take consolation from knowing that you will never have to play with me again - because I shall see to it that you don't.
Glyn Button is chairman of Framlingham bridge club
Serious game, bridge, and we must take it seriously. Or must we? Club nights should be fun and relaxed. County competitions cater for the really intense players. Play with a smile …
What else? We’re all getting older (not that we look it!) and becoming more set in our ways. Clothes, haircuts, make-up (ladies) are in the same style and have been for years. Why not sport some bright colours? Put on the dog. Away with drab.
Christmas party time is almost upon us – just the right time to make a start. Where are those red trousers?
What makes a successful bridge club? It must be welcoming, so take an interest in new members (and the old ones, come to that). A club with a bad atmosphere will not survive.
At Framlingham we had a dragon who drove away a host of players over the years. She shall be nameless, and no doubt acted with the best of intentions. She worked hard for the Club and took a proprietorial interest (she was a founder member), but tales of her rudeness still abound. Directors must take a lead in this.
Subjecting miscreants to sarcasm and litotes will not do. I well remember my failings when we first ventured into county competitions and I was so grateful that we had Malcolm Carey as our Suffolk Director. He never criticised, gave a ruling with a smile and a witty comment and wandered off.
What upsets you most about club bridge? Probably slow play. Should we allow for it? Hands, eyes and brains don’t work as efficiently as they used to. I have a bee in my bonnet about suiting the hands instead of shuffling them. Not allowed by the EBU but we do it at Framlingham Improvers afternoons and it regularly saves 5-10 minutes over 16 boards. QED.
A lesson customarily begins with a brief revision of what was covered in the previous session but given the average age of my readership there's very little chance any of you will have remembered any of it, and I certainly can't, so let's move straight on.
That said it is encouraging to know that a few of you have retained something because I was somewhat disappointed to learn from my other reader that the sage advice I have so far imparted has made her at least one trick worse on every hand. I have unfortunately been unable to thank the writer as the letter was unsigned and wrapped around a brick thrown through my window but I would know my mother's handwriting anywhere.
Another has been in touch to say that having read my articles he feels far more confident at the bridge table knowing that somewhere in the world there is at least one player who has even less of a clue than he does. Thus encouraged, I shall now move on to consider two bidding systems that come with a warning from history.
Kamikazi No Trumps has to be high on the list of bidding systems you would like to see your opponents play but regrettably it's nowhere near as self-destructive as the name would suggest or as daring as it was originally intended to be by its inventor, Mr. John Kierein. I know very little about this doyen of the game beyond the fact that he was an American and an advertising man I suspect. He recognized that the 'Kierein One NT' didn't really have a sufficiently intimidating ring about it whereas the 'Kamikazi No Trump' would leave nobody in any doubt about its intent.
The name stuck but the intent was somewhat diluted by the killjoys at the American Contract Bridge League (ACBL) who ruled that an opening bid of one NT with 9-12 HCP in first or second seat was dirty poker when used with Stayman (no, I don't know why either) and would authorise nothing more edgy than 10-13 which is less Kamikazi more budget airline. You don't get on the aircraft knowing for sure that the landing will be a bit unconventional but you can't shake off the feeling that it might be when the cabin crew walk down the centre aisle offering an upgrade to the pilot's seat to any passenger who fancies having a crack at getting the plane off the ground.
Given its evident preference for all things insipid I suspect the ACBL may also have a hand in the production of its nation's cheeses. Mention of which leads me to flow effortlessly and geographically into a bidding system which would offer a cornucopia of creative possibilities were it not for the emotional baggage that comes with the name.
Simply to mention the Colonial System is sufficient to produce foaming moral outrage and towering cumulus clouds of offended sensibilities from almost anybody under the age of forty who had a state education, and/or a job with the BBC.
Anybody who fits either description and has also benefited from the largesse of a Rhodes scholarship is probably one of the most conflicted individuals on the planet and easily recognised as the man who never left home in recent years without a brown paper bag over his head. It is therefore with some trepidation and sincere apologies to the oppressed cormorants of storm-lashed Rockall yearning to throw off the yoke of Perfidious Albion that I embark upon some thoughts about The System That Dare Not speak Its Name.
Alas, while still in my starting blocks I confess that even in the compendious fount of wisdom that is Wikipedia I can find little about it beyond the name and the fact that it was much favoured by the Canadian national team of the early 1970's. I have no idea whether the system brought the Canadian team success but it must have something to recommend it as it allegedly still clings on in that frozen land high above the Arctic Circle helping Canadians to pass the long winter nights between early August and late May. Perhaps it also serves as a distraction from endlessly wondering about why their forebears thought it was such a great idea to move five thousand miles to one of the few places on Earth that actually had worse weather than where they had come from.
There may be precious little information to find on the Colonial System of bridge bidding but there is much more to be discovered about the suggestively named Colonial Club. In view of the litigious character of our former colonists across the Pond it would probably be unwise to identify the club I have in mind beyond telling you that it meets within the confines of a ' - - lovely gated community - - ' in an area of the New World that was among the first to enjoy the civilising benefits of English settlement. e.g. smallpox, loss of ancestral lands, destruction of the indigenous culture, and, ultimately, Sand Creek, Wounded Knee, MacDonalds, and Donald Trump (what is it about Donalds?).
But all this was yet to come as relations between the locals and the new arrivals were cordial to begin with. This was just as well because the latter were a pretty clueless bunch having arrived with an abundance of hell-fire preachers and predatory personal injury lawyers but nobody who knew the first thing about putting a roof over their heads or whipping up a decent lunch in the middle of a wilderness.
Thus they were completely dependent on their bemused hosts for just about everything while they sat around in the snow whining about their chilblains and that Bear Grylls was never around when you needed him. Almost four centuries later watching a bunch of mismatched talentless wannabes with flawless skin and great dental work thrown together in an isolated spot and required to fend for themselves and failing hopelessly is considered terrific couch-potato viewing entertainment by millions of their fellow citizens whose definition of the wild outdoors is a slow internet connection. Back then the locals saw little to amuse or impress them in the supine incompetence and blowtorch halitosis of the newcomers and sat down to review their immigration policy accordingly.
Before they did that they made the fatal mistake of providing the bumbling pioneers with a nice turkey dinner which not only perked them up no end but also demonstrated that hunting these obliging birds was something even they could do. They took to it so well that pretty soon they had created a shortage of the toothsome beasts and began to see no good reason why they should share with the locals the few that were left and began work on reducing the length of the cafeteria queue.
Hiding in the woods and watching the incomers scoff all the turkeys for miles around before the end of November while the price of a tepee rocketed far above the means of the local wampum economy was probably the last straw. With Christmas lunch already ruined and seeing no chance of their children ever being able to afford their own wigwam 'The Savages' decided the Colonial System was a game they couldn't win and attacked the lovely gated community their ingrate guests had eventually built for themselves without even bothering to apply for planning permission.
It did no good of course and served only to convince the new arrivals that the locals were just bad losers who couldn't play the game well enough to be allowed to join their newly-formed Manifest Destiny club. One new club house after another was built within the sheltering walls of successive lovely gated communities stretching from Maine to Monterey nearly all of which had names quaintly and reassuringly prefixed with the word 'Fort'.
The intrepid nation builders took their bidding system wherever they went and imposed it upon whoever they came across – whether they wanted it or not and most didn't. The few who did decide to give it try still ended up being banished along with everybody else to the Rogers and Hammerstein hit musical that had been created especially for them in Oklahoma in which they got none of the good songs and were woken at an ungodly hour every morning by Howard Keel's terrible singing
The Newbies didn't win every hand they played on their way to the Pacific and suffered one particularly notable setback when a chap by the name of Custer took up the game but eventually paid the price of his characteristic reckless overbidding in a game played against the useful local pairing of Crazy Horse and Sitting Bull. The chant of 'Can we play you every week?' was heard then for the first time but few people now realise that it originated with the game of bridge and was only later adopted by football fans. 'One hand doth not a rubber make' as the old saying I just made up has it and from then on there was never any doubt about which team was going to be pick up all the master points.
With nobody left to be converted to its virtues, the Colonial System of bidding soon fell into disuse in favour of 5-card majors which had the immediate appeal of being played in your own backyard rather than your neighbour's. Pretty much everybody thought the new system was a big improvement except for the turkeys for whom things have only ever got worse particularly in late November. Traces of the old ways still persist if you know where to look and back where it all began square-jawed, flinty-eyed, sentinels clad in expensively tailored buckskins and Versace Davy Crockett raccoon hats still keep watch from the ramparts of the Colonial Club vigilantly scanning the treeline through the sights of their 50-calibre, 500-rounds-a-minute, door chimes.
Anybody who can prove direct unbroken descent from those who arrived on the Mayflower can be sure of a folksy welcome just so long as they're not registered Democrats or able to prove direct unbroken descent from the original turkey dinner providers. The moral of this story is clear: be careful who you welcome into your club and never serve them turkey if you let them in.
Having been an incompetent bridge player for a number of years, I took a decision several years ago to become an incompetent Tournament Director. Something in which, I have greatly succeeded in becoming, over the last few years.
During training I was informed that the game was to be taken with great seriousness, it was no place at all for brevity, so on many occasions I have been forced to visit tables that were clearly amused by something and ask: “Are you enjoying yourselves?” When I receive a positive answer I have to remind them: “Well, don’t!”
However this does not normally have the required effect, and often leads to further bouts of giggles.
I have found at the table, that Directors have two enemies, Players, and often other Directors, (I have been guilty too), when we should all pull together, and sing off the same song sheet (and other clichés).
There is however, one incident, at a large event a couple of years ago, at which I was present, that needs to be recorded, and serve as a warning to all Directors and players alike. I will stress that the players involved were all experienced, and of no-little ability.
Director was summoned, by a combination of North and East, and arrived quickly, as they had correctly remembered to append the word ‘Please’ to the request.
East commented: “We are playing in 2Hx, and pointed towards his partner as this was being said. North nodded, and South commented: “I’ve done nothing wrong.”
South's comment appeared a little odd, as N had led ♦A, and E had presented a dummy of 13 cards (the normal amount I’m told), containing a monstrously powerful three points.
S had exposed nine cards before he’d been stopped by other players, or there may well have been two dummies (or more) at the table. The exposed cards were five spades KQJxx, two hearts and two clubs.
With no Diamonds exposed by S, the instruction was given to play out the first trick only. All hands followed to the ♦A and as S played he commented: “I’ve done nothing wrong, I just want you all to know.”
W was given the option to instruct N to lead or ban a suit, and seeing the Spades in S banned N from leading spades.
As a surprise to all, N led the ♦K, which also held. This was followed by the ♦Q.
At this point W commented: “Are you sure this is right?” S again commented that he had done nothing wrong and was not at fault in any way.
Director obviously believing W's comment to be to the effect that he should have had the opportunity to ban or instruct a lead before the Q was exposed. Director held up play, and looked at W, who simply commented: “Is this right? Am I supposed to be playing this?”
As this was said S commented: “Don’t look at me, I’ve done nothing wrong.” There was no comment from either N or E, but E had covered his face with his hands, and a strange muffled sound was emanating from behind them. N had turned away, and 10 cards hid his face. N and E made the mistake of looking at each other, and for a moment N looked like he was going to fall off his chair. Several nearby tables had stopped playing and were watching, in their minds, the cabaret.
It took just over a minute for silence to reign at the table, only to be broken by S: “What were you laughing at, I’ve done nothing wrong.”
N offered an apology to the Director, suggesting that he may have been misinformed. So a recap of the Bidding was requested.
N - 1NT, E - pass, S - 2♥ (transfer), W – X, N pass (two hearts and only two spades), all pass.
So N should have been dummy with an exposed card. E should have been a defender with 13 penalty cards. S ‘who had done nothing wrong’, should have been declarer with nine exposed cards, and poor W - who actually had done nothing wrong - should have been on lead, but had been pre-empted by N.
This lead out of turn had probably instigated the whole chain of events. In pairs I think they would have been told about wasting Directors time and been awarded 40/40, as three rounds had been commenced.
However this was in teams of four. So with the proviso, that on the other table, no side had achieved anything brilliant, or (stupid), the board would be cancelled.
Directors be warned – players can misinform you. Get the full facts, before offering a solution to the problem that THEY have caused.
Wikipedia, that most reliable of sources for absolutely anything you desire to be misinformed about, lists no fewer than 86 bidding systems and that's without taking into account a number of derivative systems and refinements deemed worthy of a discrete mention. Much of what's on offer is frankly pretty insipid.
'The Official System' sounds like it would be just the thing in North Korea or the autumn conference of almost any UK political party conference except, of course, the Liberal Democrats who play their bridge with no system at all never mind one that's officially official. I have no idea how it works; just scanning the title left me too bored to read any further.
Reith One-over-One sounds too Calvinist to be much fun and the Scientific Sisters, Eastern and Western, (there really are two of them) are again a mite too bluestocking sounding for my taste. Culbertson and Goren were a great music hall comedy double act in their day, but I'm more of a Morecombe and Wise sort of bloke. They have left a fine legacy of work but so far as I can find out none of it contributes anything very useful to the game of bridge.
However, with a little tinkering what was probably Eric's most famous line can be turned into a useful put down to a complaining playing partner: 'Listen Sunshine, I am making the right bids - but not necessarily in the right order!'
I felt I might be homing in on something when I came across the various 'Clubs', especially Swedish, French and Amsterdam but on closer inspection they delivered a lot less than they promised (or at least what I hoped for). Sorry Poland but I've just never thought of you that way.
I moved on to the more richly promising Vanderbilt system. I know very little about Mr Vanderbilt beyond the fact that he is commonly held to have invented the game and that he wasn't short of a bob or two. Unfortunately his bidding system is now deemed to be as moribund and largely forgotten as he is.
The only remaining fragment of the glory that was once the Vanderbilt system is Goulash, a variant of the game 'in which the cards are not properly shuffled and are dealt several at a time'. Apparently he (Vanderbilt) 'gave some advice on how to play this unusual form of the game'. I have been unable to find out anything else about it which is a shame because I'll bet we've all played Goulash without ever intending to at some time in our lives.
Simplified Precision was the last born and runt of the litter
It would be handy to have some officially authorised rules to sort out the resulting mess after dear dotty old Uncle Charlie has dealt the cards in his characteristic 'forage what you can off the floor' way but gets very crabby if anybody even so much as hints that anything slightly irregular has just happened.
Any consideration of bidding systems can hardly avoid bumping into the sprawling but fragmented and now much diminished Kingdom of Precision. The dynasty was founded by mad, bad, King Icelandic Precision who, in keeping with Viking tradition saddled his children with highly improbable names.
Power Precision Club was the first born, so-called because being the eldest his father naturally expected him to lord it over his younger siblings. So it proved and he ultimately inherited his father's dark and chilly throne and an unfortunate cod allergy.
He was followed by Super Precision Club who, being of a more studious nature entered the Church where by using the murderous talents endowed to him by his Nordic lineage made his way swiftly up the ecclesiastical greasy pole to become Iceland's first cardinal by the age of eighteen and was greatly respected for his mendacity, venality, and silky poisoning skills.
Precision Club suffered the common fate of many a middle child as evidenced by his father's disinclination to think of a really good name for him. He was something of a disappointment to his father, an opinion not improved by receiving a letter from his under achieving offspring informing his father that he had discovered Canada.
Hurt by his father's low opinion Precision Club became something of a recluse and was rarely seen outside his home. He has been dead for over a thousand years now but Canadians still don't get out much. Proof, if proof is needed, that the Precision family casts a long and deadening shadow. Something we shall encounter again in considering the last of this star-crossed brood.
His descendants live in Norfolk to this day
Simplified Precision was the last born and the runt of the litter. As his name suggests he was not the sharpest blade in the drawer but this at least meant his father had no problem when it came to choosing a name. Simplified Precision hung around the royal longhouse for several years until his father, seeing no evidence of Super Precision's great intellect or depth of religious feeling in his younger son, and despairing of him ever making his own way in the world by the traditional Viking career path of fire, slaughter, and pillage, endowed him with what we now know as Norfolk just to get rid of him.
His descendants live there to this day, cousin marrying cousin generation after generation and greeting one another in the street with a characteristic 'one club to you cousin', to which it is customary and polite to respond with 'and one diamond to you cousin'. Whereupon they pass on their way with neither of them any the wiser about who it was they just spoke to or able to make any sense of what they have just heard...
Many moons ago, back in the 1970s, Fleur (my wife) and I served as Mate and Master on small coasters (cargo ships) working around the British Isles and Near Continent, known as the Home Trade Area in the Merchant Navy.
We began to play bridge in the mid 1960s, assisted by Alfred Sheinwold’s Autobridge, and graduated from kitchen to club bridge when living at Rye, East Sussex.
One day, while our ship was in Littlehampton, which we visited regularly, I discovered a local bridge club only a short walk from the harbour, where they played rubber bridge some afternoons. One wet afternoon, while the cargo could not be unloaded, we ventured along and were made most welcome.
After this it became a treat to discover (usually via the library – no search engines in those days) the whereabouts of a local bridge club, and sometimes their evenings coincided with our time in port. From memory we played both rubber and duplicate, though how we fared at the latter we rarely found out as we had sailed away long before the results appeared.
Hospitality was usually welcoming although at a visit to the Club in Bristol (v swish – own clubhouse with bar and steward) I was told on arrival that a tie was in order, and a tartan one was produced which definitely did not match my Carnaby Street flowery shirt! Suitably chastened we played very badly, not helped when one opponent asked the meaning of a bid and we both answered – hopefully the same but probably not.
"It’s a sad thing that we don’t get to know better the people we meet for an evening once a week...We live in a fast-changing world but let’s take a more leisurely approach and be prepared to relax and communicate with each other."
Most memorable was playing three nights in succession in Cork, first in a hotel, next in a convent school and then in the army barracks, though that was the night after the Aldershot bomb, which cast a shadow over the evening. The Irish are the most lovely and generous folk and we enjoyed many happy times there.
Bridge has moved on since then with the introduction of bidding boxes, announcements, P2P and other “improvements”. It seems to be played, increasingly, by those who are retired and wish to keep their minds active. Does that strike a chord?
Why did one learn to play originally? Well, it was a guaranteed friendly afternoon/evening, especially when supplemented by drink, food, conversation and more drink. But it’s a sad thing that we don’t get to know better the people we meet for an evening once a week. Too often one discovers that one of the club regulars, now no more, had something in common.
At Roydon (Diss) BC we have a halfway break for tea and biscuits, so we do get to chat for 10 minutes, but even then it tends to be current politics, weather and gardening. There are many old colonials (for instance) playing bridge still with interesting personal histories to relate. Perhaps we should prepare a brief cv – or would that contravene GDPR legislation?
We live in a fast-changing world but let’s take a more leisurely approach and be prepared to relax and communicate with each other. Shall I get the ball rolling? OK – click on A Passage to Wisbech and watch yours truly when he was rather younger in 1982.
One of the joys of holidaying in Orford – aside from plentiful supplies of fresh fish, wonderful pubs and restaurants, and unspoilt coastline and countryside – is the proximity of Framlingham bridge club.
The local Conservative Club, nestling a short distance from Framlingham Castle, provides a comfortable home for the bridge players (not to mention a bar in an adjacent room). And the summer holiday is not complete without a pilgrimage to see the friendly faces of Fram.
You get a hint from the club’s lively website of the relaxed informality and gentle sense of self-deprecating humour which underpins everything they do. How can you not like a club whose list of committee members says of one ‘could have been stationery cupboard monitor but missed her chance,’ and of another ‘All and everything duties’.
This year’s visit was full of surprises. For starters, the floor was adorned by a brand new, plush carpet of patterned, midnight blue. (I suppose Corbynista red was unavailable...)
But the real humdinger was the array of new faces: ten of them by my reckoning. And thereby hangs a story…
A year ago, with the slide in table numbers showing no sign of abating, the prospects for the club looked bleak. But since then two factors have come into play.
First, the decision some four summers ago to start a club teaching programme, not just at the club, but also in Huntingfield and Saxmundham. Teaching beginners to play bridge has similarities with planting a vineyard. You do not see the fruit of your labours for a while. Some pupils wither on the vine, so to speak; others who stick with it choose not to darken the doors of a bridge club and opt for social bridge at home with their friends.
Perhaps the biggest hurdle any bridge club faces is persuading the understandably anxious or timid pupil who has ‘learnt bridge’ to dive off the top board and forego the comfort blanket of supervised lessons for the real thing – a duplicate evening at a club. Seriously scary.
How do you calm their fears and worries and assure them that they will not make fools of themselves?
Well, a year ago Fram took the decisive step to make one of their weekly Monday sessions every month a ‘Mentoring evening.’ As the name suggests, an experienced player teams up with a novice and fulfils the role of a bridge godparent.
By chance, my annual visit coincided with such an evening. Six full tables, several Mentoring Pairs with confident ‘improvers’ who clearly had been taught well – and plenty of smiling faces were on view.
The turnaround in the club’s fortunes from 12 months ago could not have been more striking to a casual visitor and owes much to the hard work of those running the club…not least the ‘stationery cupboard monitor.’ The vineyard is bearing fruit.
Just as important, the experience of Fram may offer a blueprint for clubs who find themselves in a similar dilemma to that which faced the bridge players near the Castle on the Hill.
It was some time before I learned that the well-known saying about skinning a cat also applied to bridge. Learning the game in England is still pretty much like growing up in North Korea or some other monolithic, repressive, one-party, Gulag like Sevenoaks or Sunderland – you simply have no idea the world can be otherwise than you have always known it until you leave or otherwise become exposed to the corrupting heresies of competing ideologies, and so it was with me.
It came as a bit of a surprise to discover that ACOL and bridge were not near synonyms and, moreover, not only were there other ways of skinning the same cat but our island nation was just about the only place on the planet where ACOL was the prevailing orthodoxy. I scanned the tabloids every day for some time following this disquieting revelation expecting to read that an armada was on its way from Spain to impose religious conformity but as each day passed and there was still no mention of it in the Beano or Dandy I reckoned I could relax a bit.
Revelation piled upon surprise as I finally plucked up courage to enquire of an elder of the game what the acronym 'ACOL' stood for. I wasn't expecting the answer to set my pulse racing but I was pretty miffed to discover that the nation's flagship bidding system was a complete fraud in that it was not the intriguing acronym it pretended to be but simply the name of an unremarkable road in London where a bunch of upper middle class types whiled away their plentiful leisure hours in the 1930s coming up with a quite clever wheeze.
For all my initial disappointment I shortly decided that for now at least I could live quite happily with the more quietly dignified Acol I now considered it to be even if it wasn't quite me. Written in its unpretentious lower case form it has a comfortably tweedy 1950s English feel about it. Acol smokes a pipe and wears slippers around the house. It doesn't own a car but has recently acquired a black and white television although it still favours the radio which it refers to as the wireless and never misses The Archers. It wouldn't dream of leaving home without wearing a hat and thinks cardigans are the height of sartorial elegance.
Upper case ACOL is the family from Hell bellowing expletives into their mobile phones
Acol is the kind of convention you inadvertently bump into the shopping isle of your local supermarket and it immediately apologies even though you were to blame and insists you go first at the checkout because you have only a few items to pay for. Acol might not be very exciting but it's companionable and polite and makes a steady neighbour.
Upper case ACOL is the family from Hell bellowing expletives into their mobile phones while pushing several heavily laden shopping trolleys two abreast down the isle and leaving a trail of maimed and dying shoppers in their wake for their feral progeny to walk over while they pillage the shelves of anything they know instinctively will be bad for them.
Move fast if you see them approaching the checkout because they are not going to wave you ahead to pay for your single box of matches no matter that they have a small massive of items piled high in a freight train of trolleys stretching back to the far wall. Whenever I lose this particular race I derive considerable malicious consolation from knowing that the total food value of their haul is close to zero and contains all sorts of undesirable additives that will do them all no end of harm.
ACOL is a three-car family and the house is filled with myriad IT gadgets all of which are completely unnecessary. Pride of place goes to a medium-sized HD cinema masquerading as a television which offers eight hundred channels all of which are utterly banal but mum and dad only ever watch Sky Sports and the Shopping Channel. Their ghastly offspring live upstairs in Stygian darkness playing corrosively gruesome computer games that in a few years will turn them into a brood of serial axe murderers thereby gaining them the celebrity status they crave. Nobody in the family has ever read a book or has any idea the BBC even exists. ACOL is a convention for our time: pretentious, loud, garish, materialistic, philistine and self-obsessed. I don't know how dull but dependable, cardigan-wearing, Acol became pushy, designer-label clad ACOL but I know I don't like it. What I need is a bidding system somewhere between these two extremes.
Is bridge daring to break out from the Dark Ages?
One-day cricket was introduced nearly half a century ago and my father’s reaction was short and dismissive in equal measure.
‘Tip and run’ he snorted in the style of ‘Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells’ (who probably was disgusted). What he would have made of 20-20, let alone a recent suggestion of 100 ball games with 15-a-side, does not bear thinking about.
However, if cricket had not re-invented itself in a successful attempt to attract new spectators to the game, it would be in a sorry state today.
Bridge has not been so swift taking such a leap from the Dark Ages. Yes, it has adopted bidding boxes (after furious debate) and electronic scoring (ditto), but little has been done to think beyond the club bridge ‘model’ in an attempt to win over new players to the game.
Most bridge clubs pay lip service to the internet and websites (uploading the scores each week – and that’s it), despite their huge potential to entice people to the wonders of the world’s best card game. As for Facebook (which, for many people, has replaced local newspapers as their prime source of information), forget it…
At times, one could be forgiven for thinking that bridge, particularly at club level, is turning its face against the real world rather than embracing the new methods of communication. Perhaps it is a reflection of the age profile of the average bridge club member.
The appetite for change exists. Thinking ‘outside the box’ is almost certainly the reason for the extraordinary success of Funbridge, which now boasts a community of more than 400,000 members from 250 countries (including 21,000 in the UK) who play more than 800,000 deals on-line every day.
One of the many reasons it is fun is the bite-sized format. You can play five board games on-line against friends, strangers or a robot – done-and-dusted in under half an hour.
Or you can create a team of four and play 15-board matches four times a month in a league with about 10 divisions.
Our Funbridge team of Paddy, Cloppy, Minortaffy and Dobbee - don’t ask - make up the Suffolk Barstewards (yes, I know: put it down to a rural sense of humour). And it is fun, with the quality of the on-line repartee usually dwarfing that of our play.
Chatting recently with Andre Gray, a Suffolk and Ipswich regular, he reckons the quality of the Funbridge software means the computer’s ‘defence’ is the best around on-line. My experience is that your card play has to be razor sharp and you normally pay dearly for taking any liberties with the bidding.
Does Funbridge beat the ‘real thing’? Of course not. But unquestionably it offers something different to normal club bridge and it is striking a chord world wide.
The success of Funbridge in a relatively short space of time is underlined by the amazing numbers taking part. In addition to the growing U.K. membership, there are 60,000 members in the US and 56,000 in France (it’s a French based site). And let’s not forget 12 players in Antarctica (what else is there to do?)
It must also be proving a ‘nice little earner’, as Arthur Daley might say, for its inventors. Although players get a free trial, they then pay a sum per number of boards, per month or per year. The annual option, which is the cheapest per board, works out at around £2 a week. With 400,000 members, I will let you do the maths…
The first question in my mind when asked by Richard to write a 'blog', which apparently this is, was: 'Why me?' Any of you who know me even slightly will doubtless be asking yourself the same question so for your benefit I'll let Richard explain...
'I want something that's light and written by an enthusiastic but not expert player. I don't want it to be highly informative in the usual way of these things - and I thought of you,' he said.
I took 'not expert' to mean 'not very good' and when it comes to be being 'not highly informative' there's nobody in my league. I could see no flaw in Richard's reasoning so I agreed to have a bash.
Should you have come here looking for and expecting a cerebral analysis of a particularly thorny hand that defeated many a renowned international pairing at the last world championships - this is not where you want to be.
If you are the kind of player who sees nothing wrong with leading a singleton against 3NT* or cheerfully informs the opposition that your partner's 1NT bid is worth 12-14 points no matter where it happens in the bidding process then this blog is just stuffed full of useful tips guaranteed to take your game even further downhill...
Most of us are just blagging it, not just in bridge but in almost everything else. I'll give you a couple of examples from my own record of sporting excellence.
I have the honour of having played cricket at county level for Suffolk. I'll grant you it was for the over 70's side and I was a last-minute replacement for a player who pulled out or quite possibly died en route to the ground so they were desperate and I happened to be there.
Further, not only was I incompetent but I was also ineligible by virtue of being under age (an achievement in its own right at over 60) but I was assured that neither of these things constituted an adequate excuse for me to avoid the chance to disgrace myself and my county and I did not disappoint.
The opposition batted first and I remained on the field for one ball before being literally carried off with a pulled hamstring after sort-of-sprinting too enthusiastically to cut off the ball before it crossed the boundary. However, when I tell the story I tend to omit all the inconsequential details and just leave in the bit about playing cricket for Suffolk.
Many years before that I gained representative hockey honours from the Army Apprentices College (AAC), Chepstow without ever turning up to play. I have no idea how I was selected in the first place given the inconvenient truth that I had never watched a game of hockey much less played in one nor had I ever expressed the slightest interest in doing so. I was terrified by this prospect but, aged just 15 and fearful of speaking out, I solved the problem by not turning up for the game.
Much to my amazement not only did I not get shouted at but nobody even referred to my absence and I was selected to play again, which problem I solved in the same way as before - again without any repercussions. I'd obviously played well in my absence because I was selected for, and did not attend, a third game.
By now I was beginning to rather enjoy the sport of hockey in which to excel it was only necessary to not take part. Alas, following my third no-show the selectors not unreasonably felt they could do better and my name never again appeared on daily orders in a hockey connection. Notwithstanding my failure to even so much as pick up a hockey stick I was deeply gratified to note upon graduating from my not-very-benign alma mater that I had been awarded representative honours in a sport I knew nothing about.
The AAC closed years ago so I'm probably safe owning up to that one now. More than half-a-century on and thousands of bridge hands later I have reached the seemingly impressively labelled rank of advanced master but a glance at the skyscraper of ranks above my present level tells me I'm still really only blagging it – I bet I'm not alone in feeling that way.
* I'm vaguely aware there is a clever way of indicating to partner that you want an unusual opening lead and so the lead of a singleton against a NT contract is not necessarily a bad thing but most of us ordinary mortals don't know that and if we do know it we have no idea how it's done so please don't write in.