Heart Kiama & District Bridge Club Diamond
The Lighter Side ...

All contributions welcome ...

The Duplicate Xmas Party

(thanks for whoever contributed this, from the daytime Xmas party 2014)

‘Twas the duplicate Christmas Party and needless to say
The punch and the season had made us quite gay . . .
“Find your seats and shuffle,” the director had said
As visions of first place danced in my head.

When I checked our position, I got dry in the mouth.
We’d been assigned table 1 – North and South.
Just little novices, my partner and me.
We’d placed fourth once but never No. 3.

Had fate decided to put us to the test?
With two Life Masters sitting East and West
We took our positions and said not a word
But I’m certain our heartbeats could surely be heard.

We shuffled the cards without blinking an eye.
I dropped a card on the floor and thought I would die.
As North I was dealer and though I was green,
I knew to open you must have thirteen . . .

I spread my hand and counted, but alas,
With only ten points I had to pass . . .
And frankly, I thought, this was a shame
I’d never before seen 13 spades in a game.

My left-hand opponent, East by name,
Opened two diamonds and I thought what a shame.
My partner, South, was trembling with fear
And the bid of two hearts came across my ear.

My right-hand opponent sat straight in his chair
Three hearts as the bid he chose to declare.
Now I had a good suit, but alas
With no help in hearts I had to pass.

My left-hand opponent now bid three spades.
You can imagine now, how I was amazed.
My partner, South, bid four hearts and, shoot,
If they take the bid I couldn’t lead her best suit.

My right-hand opponent studied his hand
And soon 7NT was his command.
It was my time to bid – and just to save face
I doubled ‘cause I knew they were missing an ace.

The next three bid were pass, pass, pass
So I was ready to lead a spade, but alas
My partner was nervous and she led the heart king.
A lead out of turn – what a damnable thing.

The director was called and I can still hear his voice
As he told the declarer he could make his own choice.
With a singleton heart, you must understand
This could be the only entry to his hand.

So he turned to me and looking so smart
He said, “Lead any suit, but don’t lead a heart.”
So, of course, I led my fourth best spade
I guess it was the best lead I ever made.

“Cause in this hand I never lost the lead
And our opponents (Life Masters) had to concede.
Thirteen tricks we took right off the top
When we won the board, I thought I would pop.

Now I ask you, with a board like this
The rest of the game – well how could we miss?
And I overheard the director say, “Who was the lass
Who had thirteen spades – and cleverly passed?”

After winning first place and still full of fright
"Merry Christmas" we called, and they all said "Good night".

The Computer Swallowed Grandma
The Computer Swallowed Grandma

The computer swallowed grandma,
Yes, honestly it's true.
She pressed "control" and "enter"
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
and files of every kind:
I've even used the Internet,
but nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found "online".

So, if inside your "Inbox",
My Grandma you should see,
Please "Copy", "Scan" and "Paste" her
And send her back to me!

Daft game anyway ...

I'm giving up bridge- tonight's my last night
it’s amen to Staymen, I give up the fight.
The insults and muddles are giving me troubles
and I can't sleep at night for thinking of doubles.

My cards are all rotten and I have forgotten
who’s played and what's trumps and what's gone on my right!
So for now it's all over- I'm off to the back wood
I'm bidding good-bye to Gerber and Blackwood

I can't stand the hassle, I can't stand the pain
I'm getting those bad cards again and again.
So I'm giving up bridge- Tonight's a bad night.
Declarer is horrid and nothing's going right.

My partner's a dope and I'm losing all hope.
And when she says “double” I know we're in trouble.
My points are not high and I'm wondering why
she kept on bidding right up to the sky.

We're in seven spades and all my hope fades
When surprise, surprise, the high bidding pays!
We're winning all tricks, the defenders feel sick,
And I have to admit my partner's a brick

But I'm giving up bridge- Tonight's my last night.!
Farewell to conventions- I give up the fight?
So I leave with few words but some that are true,
Bridge is a game- not for me but for you.

So be kind to your partners and don't mind their cheek.
For it's only a game- Oh! Yes. I'll see you next week

The Night Before Xmas - take #2

“’Twas the night before Christmas,
Two guests in our house
Had started to play bridge
With me and my spouse.

“Please tell me,” she shouted,
“Why didn’t you double?
“’Twas plain from the start
That we had them in trouble.”

“ ‘Tis futile my dear,”
Said I, taking no stand,
“To discuss it with you—
Let us play the next hand.”

“Remember next time,”
Said she, icing a frown,
“To double a contract
That’s sure to go down.”

So I picked up my cards
In a downtrodden state,
Then I opened One Spade
And awaited my fate.

Dlr: East ♠ 9 8 7 6  
Vul: N-S 6 5 4 3 2  
  8 7 6 5  
  ♣ —  
♠ —   ♠ A K Q J 10
Q J 10 9   A K 8 7
K Q J 10 9  
♣ K Q J 10   ♣ A 9 8 7
  ♠ 5 4 3 2  
  A 4 3 2  
  ♣ 6 5 4 3 2  


The guy sitting South
Was like many I’ve known;
He played and he bid
In a world all his own.

“Two diamonds,” he countered
With scarcely a care
The ace in his hand
Gave him courage to spare.

My wife, she smiled faintly,
And tossing her head,

Leaned over the table;
“I double,” she said.

And North, for some reason
I cannot determine,
Bid Two Hearts as though
He were preaching a sermon.

I grinned as I doubled,
Enjoying the fun,
And turned round to South,
To see where he would run.

But South, undistressed,
Not at a loss for word,
Came forth with Two Spades—
Did I hear what I heard?

The other two passed
And in sheer disbelief
I said, “Double my friend,
“That’ll bring you grief.”

South passed with a nod,
His composure serene;
My wife with a flourish
Led out the heart queen.

I sat there and chuckled
Inside o’er their fix—
But South very calmly
Ran off eight straight tricks!

He ruffed the first heart
In his hand right away
And then trumped a club
On the very next play.

He crossruffed the hand
At a breathtaking pace
‘Til I was left holding
Five spades to the ace.

In anguish my wife cried,
“Your mind is growing old,
Don’t you see six notrump
In this hand is ice cold?”

By doubling this time
I committed a sin
It just goes to prove
That you never can win.