Several men are getting the tables ready for the Monday evening Duplicate Bridge session.
A mobile phone on a table rings and one of them clicks on hands free.
Everyone else stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me . Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and
found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000.
Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it
that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and
saw the new models.
I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to
Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking £980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000.
They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra
eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring
at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks,
"Anyone know whose phone this is?"
--------------
People with small minds talk about other people. People with ordinary
minds talk about events. People with great minds talk about ideas. People with
warped minds talk about bridge hands.
----------------------
Do you know what the difference is between a mad psycho serial-killer and
a bridge partner? You can reason with the serial killer.
----------------------
Learning she was going to have twins, the bridge playing wife said,
"That's just like my husband? doubling me when I'm vulnerable.
----------------------
We had a partnership misunderstanding. My partner assumed I knew what I
was doing.
----------------------
You know you're in trouble when the first thing the opponents decide
to do is draw trumps, and you're the declarer.
----------------------
They were at a concert. Said she, a bridge addict, "What's that
book the conductor keeps looking at? "That's the score," answered
her escort. "Oh. Who's vulnerable??
----------------------
Bridge is a great comfort in your old age.
It also helps you get there faster.
----------------------
A contestant in a tournament suddenly slumped down in his chair, victim of
what seemed like a seizure or fit of some kind. A doctor was hastily summoned.
He took the stricken man's pulse and noted that it was steady and firm.
Obviously it was no heart attack. From the victim's white face and clammy
hands the doctor surmised that this was a case of shock. A bridge player
himself, he picked up the victim's cards and studied them. He then turned
to the others at the table. "Now let me have a review of the
bidding," he requested.
----------------------
Overheard at the bridge club: We had a 75-percent game last night!
Three out of four opponents thought we were idiots.
----------------------
There are three kinds of bridge players:
1. Those who can count, and
2. Those who can't.
----------------------
Want to be an expert?
Rule 1: Never take a finesse to make your contract when you can go down
on a squeeze play!
Did you ever notice that experts avoid the use of Blackwood, and novices
use Blackwood with a void?
----------------------
Joe knows nothing about the game. His wife plays twice as well.
----------------------
A well-balanced player makes up for his inadequacy in the bidding with his
ineptitude in the play.
----------------------
Did you hear about the guy who wanted to learn bridge in one day? He
bought 35 copies of "Five Weeks To Winning Bridge."
----------------------
Sorry, partner. I woulda led my singleton... but I couldn't find it
it was so small.
----------------------
Too bad, pard. That was an unlucky grand slam. The ace of trumps was off
side.
----------------------
Did you know?
43.6 percent of all slam contracts fail.
62.7 percent of all bridge players are women.
97.8 percent of all bridge statistics, including these, are made up.
----------------------
A man was kibbitzing in a big tourney.
Suddenly a player at another table got sick and had to leave. No substitutes
was available and the kibbitzer was asked if he could play.
He sat as South and told his partner, that he didnt know anything about bidding, but his partner said, just tell me your hand.
The bidding went this way:
South West North East
S 1 clb W pass N 1 nt E pass
S 2 h W pass N 2 nt E pass
S 3 sp W pass N 3 nt E pass
S 7 di W pass N pass E pass
North
Sp j
H j x x x
D 6
C a k q x x x x
West East
S k10xxx S qxx
H kxxxxx H a 10
D�� D k j
C�� C 876
South
S axx
H qx
D aq109875
C j
West lead 2 di to j q
South A d and get rid of H in dummy then 10 D get rid of H in dummy
j C to a C and play the clb from top and make the contract.
West called the director of the tournament to the table. questioning the bidding.
The director asked what did your bid meant?
South answered: My p told me to show my hand, i had 1 club, 2 heart, 3 spade and 7 diamond. 
Misunderstandings
A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left
her last employment, she replied, "Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it
was the most ridiculously undignified place I ever worked. They played a
game called Bridge.
Last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the
refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you've got."
Another man said, "I've got strength, but no length."
Another man says to the lady, "Take your hand off my trick!"
I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, "You jumped me
twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise."
Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two other ladies
were talking and one said, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband
and you can play with mine."
Well I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one
of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last
rubber." 
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