THE GOSPORT EAR (Number 39) by LEPUS
 
My name is Spayed, Sam Spayed. I'm a Private Eye.
 
I'm still here sitting in the office, resting my eyes as usual. I'm thinking that there may be more money to made at Bridge, rather than as a gumshoe. Business stinks! It's early afternoon, and its still raining. Something to do with skyscrapers, and micro-climate?
 
The jangling of the 'phone broke my concentration. After a jaw-breaking yawn I picked up.
 
"It's Iris Blanding. I need help! Again!" she breathed (I had a flash back to remember the nicely stacked broad. The breathing helped) "My latest Bridge partner has come down with food-poisoning and I need a partner for Cumberland High Roller this evening. We did well last time, and I've just got to beat my best friend Vanessa Gatsby"
 
I agreed, said I'd call by. She kit me out in black tie, and tux. I still scrub up good!
 
This time we split the 'big two': 1st Josephine, and Ely Culbertson $5000, 2nd Iris Blanding, and Sam Spayed $4000, 3rd Helen Sobel, and Charles Goren $2000. So again we bested her "friend".
 
Three hands helped the cause.
 
♠ AJ943  ♥ Q85     ♦ A96  ♣ 42
♠ void      ♥ AJT9  ♦ K74  ♣ AQJ963
 
[1♣] [1♠] / [2♥] [3D] / [4♣] [5♥] / [6♣] End
 
It seemed that Iris was trying to get me to play No Trumps. I won the Spade (sluffing a Diamond). Trump covering the ♣T, then ♣A (dropping ♣K), and drew the last trump. ♥Q was not covered, and I had to lose a Heart: 12 tricks.
 
♠ KJ8              ♥ 6    ♦ A53  ♣ AKQ765
♠ AQ97654     ♥T4  ♦ QJ9  ♣ T
 
[1♥] [3♠] [P] [6♠] End
 
I raised to Slam. A Heart was led to the ♥Q, and with clubs 3:3 and no attack on the ♦A: 12 tricks, quickly.
 
I suppose that at some future time somebody like Easley, or Ely, might invent a method to ask about Aces, and Kings. They might have done this already. I don't read Bridge books!
 
♠ A876  ♥ A6    ♦ Q7       ♣ AT732
♠ void   ♥ KT9  ♦ A8643  ♣ KJ865
 
[1♠] [2♦] / [2N] [3♣] / [3♥ ] [3N] / [4♣] [4♦] / [6♣] End
 
Again, once in the Slam, there was nothing in the play: 12 tricks.
 
Later I asked Iris about the Spade opener, and she explained that it was an "English" gadget. I kept shtumm, but thought "I know that I can apply side with a pool-cue..."