| Wish I'd Said That
1. "With firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to one another our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor." Declaration of Independence |
2. "Old age is always 15 years from now." - Bill Cosby
3. "To be good, you need to believe in what you're doing." - Billy Crystal
4. "The only maxim of a free government is to trust no man or group living with the power to disrupt the public liberty." - John Adams
5. "I'm not sure about the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone." - Anon
6. "Government of the people, by the people and for the people shall not perish from the earth." - Abraham Lincoln
7. "Live in such a way that you would not be afraid to sell your parrot to the town gossip." - Will Rogers
8. "The nine scariest words in the English language are, I'm from the government, and I'm here to help." - Ronald Reagan
9. "These are the times that try men's souls." - Thomas Paine
10. "No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted." - Aesop.
11. "Beware of young doctors and old barbers." Benjamin Franklin
12. "Computers make it easy to do lots of things, but most of the things they make easier to do don't need to be done." - Andy Rooney
13. "The cure for boredom is curiosity; there is no cure for curiosity." Dorothy Parker
14. "Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory." - Albert Schweitzer
15. "Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam, be it ever so humble, there's no place like home." - John Howard Payne
16. "Poems are made by fools like me, but only God can make a tree." - Joyce Kilmer
17. "It was the best of times; it was the worst of times." - Charles Dickens
18. "I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty or give me death." - Patrick Henry
19. "Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one." - Bill Gates
20. "In the end, it's not going to matter how many breaths you took but how many moments took your breath away." Shing Xiong
21. "Remember the past and plan for the future, but live for today because yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come." - Luke
22. "The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good." - Ann Landers
23, "Old minds are like old horses; you must exercise them regularly if you expect them to remain useful." - John Quincy Adams
24. "If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, it expects what never was and never will be." - Thomas Jefferson
25. "Age is a question of mind over matter; if you don't mind, it doesn't matter." - Satchel Paige
26. "What the world needs now is love sweet love; that's the only thing that there's much too little of." - Burt Bacharach/Hal David
27. "If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a Nation gone under." - Ronald Reagan
28. "Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance and the gospel of envy; its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill
| Good for a chuckle or two
1. "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor." - George Carlin
2. "Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room." - Phyllis Diller
3. Centuries ago, cats were idolized as Gods; cats have never forgotten this.
4. Old age: First you forget names, then you forget faces; then you forget to pull your zipper up and then you forget to pull it down.
5. I know a gal who has a special feeling regarding the percentages involved with the simple finesse - she calls it the law of 50-50-90. There's a 50% chance that the finesse will succeed and a 90% probability that it won't!!
6. I just returned from a pleasure trip; I took my mother-in-law to the airport. - Henny Youngman
7. A priest is assigned to a remote Alaskan village. A year later, his bishop visits and asks how things are going, "Great, but to be honest, I'd have been lost without my rosary and my two martinis per day; would you like a martini, sir?" "Yes." "Rosary, please bring the bishop a martini."
8. "Auntie Em; hate you, hate Kansas. I'm taking the dog." - Dorothy
9. Only Irish coffee provides in one glass all four essential food groups; alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
10. Part 1. Nancy Astor to Winston Churchill: "Sir, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." Winston: "and, madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!"
Part 2. "Sir, you are very drunk!" Winston: "and you, madam, are ugly; but, tomorrow, I will be sober."
11. "When my bridge partner excused himself to go to the bathoom, it was the first and only time all night that I knew what he had in his hand." George S. Kaufman
12. "Suppose you were an idiot; then suppose you were in congress; but, I repeat myself." Mark Twain
13. Before playing to the opening lead, be sure and count your losers; do not include your partner.
14. The difference between a support double and a support bra is that the support double promises three.
15. Horse sense is something that a horse has that keeps it from betting on people.
16. Illegal immigrants have always been a problem in America, Ask any indian.
17. My main objection to jogging is that the ice won't stay in the glass.
18. As the burglar was reaching into the china closet to put the sterling silver into his knapsack, a voice said, "you better watch out for Jesus." Turning around, he saw a parrot in a cage. When asked his name, the parrot responded, "Moses." The burglar scoffed, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses"? "The same kind that would name their Rottweiler Jesus" said the parrot.