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Commentaries
Commentaries

Our commentaries are now used by a few clubs, some of which are close by.
For reasons of security we will no longer be posting them on the website.
Naturally when you have played in a session you will be emailed the commentary that night.
They all use Standard English Acol and are suitable for Second Years+
There are 24 boards each week.
Any club who wishes to use our commentaries should contact me:
Susan.maxwell@talk21.com

More Hosts Please!

Our club is totally unique in that it offers anyone who rocks up to our club a guranteed game.
To enable us to fulfil this valuable commitment we need more volunteer hosts.

We already have a small but commited group of volunteers. We need more to spread the burden.
Identify a Tuesday session in the forthcoming months where you would be able to volunteer and drop a line to our Host Angel

maureen-sanders@hotmail.co.uk

 

Chief Host Angel !
Chief Host Angel !


Our club has always been a great advocate of 'everyone gets a game'. Just turn up and a partner will be found - every time.
It particularily suits people graduating from courses who have yet to find a regular partner and people new to the area who want to try our club (good choice!)

Our lovely Maureen is our Chief Host Angel.  Her task is to allocate volunteer hosts to session dates.
She looks a bit shocked here actually:-)

Announcing this that and the other
Announcing this that and the other
We have all got used to 'announcing' the range of partners opening bid of 1NT. Now the rules have been extended to announcing the range of the opening bid of 2NT.
Subsequent transfers and Stayman also require an announcement.
Additionally those of us that play 5-card major suit openings, a minor suit opening that could be two cards or fewer should be announced even if it is non-forcing. 
Humour
Such a Friendly Game!
Such a Friendly Game!
Oooooer!
Oooooer!
My Hand was AKQJT98765432 in Spades
My Hand was AKQJT98765432 in Spades

 

Twas the club Christmas party, and needless to say,
The punch and the season had made us quite gay.
“Find your seats and shuffle” the director had said,
As visions of first place danced in my head.
When I checked our position, I got dry in the mouth,
We’d been assigned Table One, sitting North/South.
Just little ole novices, my partner and me,
We’d come fourth once, but never first three.
With two Grand Masters sitting East/West,
We took our positions and said not a word,
But I’m sure our heartbeats could clearly be heard.

We shuffled the cards without blinking an eye,
I dropped one on the floor and thought I would die.
As North I was dealer and though I was green,
I knew to open you must have thirteen.
I spread my hand and counted … alas,
With only ten points, I just had to pass.
And frankly, I thought, this was a shame,
‘Cos I’d never had 13 Spades in a game.
My left hand opponent, East was his name,
Opened “Two Diamonds” and I thought of his fame.

My partner, South, was trembling with fear,
And the bid of “Two Hearts” came into my ear.
My right hand opponent sat straight in his chair,
“Three Hearts” was the suit he chose to declare.
Now I possessed a good suit, but alas,
With nothing in hearts, I could only pass.
My left hand opponent now bid “Three Spades”,
And you can imaginethat I was amazed.
My partner, South, bid “Four Hearts” and I thought,
If they take the bid, I couldn’t lead her best suit.

My right hand opponent studied his hand
And soon “Seven No Trumps” was his command.
It was my turn to bid, and just to save face,
I doubled ‘cos I knew he missed the Spade Ace.
The next bids were pass, pass, pass.
So I was ready to lead, but alas,
My partner was nervous and she led the Heart King.
Now a lead out ofturn is a damaging thing.
The Director was called, I can still hear his voice,
As he told declarer he could make his own choice.
With a singleton heart, you must understand,
This could well be his only entry to hand.
So he turned to me and, looking so smart,
He said “Lead any suit, but don’t lead Heart.”

So, of course, I led my fourth best spade.
I guess it was the best lead I ever made,
Cos’ in this hand I never lost the lead,
And our opponents (Grand Masters) had to concede.
Thirteen tricks we took right off the top,
When we won the board I thought I would pop.
Now I ask you, with a board like this,
The rest of the game, well how could we miss???
And I overheard the Director say “Who was that lass
Who had thirteen spades and cleverly passed???”
After winning first place, and still full of fright,
“Merry Christmas” we called and they all said
“GOOD NIGHT!”
 

 

SLOW PLAY
SLOW PLAY
"Won't you play a litle faster?" the Director said to me -
"It's a Congress, not a funeral - I was standing here to see
You trance all through the bidding; now you're trancing as you play...
Though it's Hesitation Mitchell, you can't hesitate all day!
Your playing rate reminds me of the average three-toed sloth.
Don't think you're Tony Forrester or Raymond Brock, or both!

But I was working out the hand (one can't afford to rush);
The speaker was distracting me. I shook my head for hush.
Now was that lead fourth-hghest? No, I dare not play a card
Until I'd planned my strategy, a task I find quite hard.
Could it be third and fifth, perhaps? I stared out into space.
The wisest course, it seemed to me, was not to force the pace.

"You're holding up the movement!" The Director had returned.
His dewlaps danced with dudgeon and his eyes with ire burned.
"Unless you start to play this hand, and play it like a shot
I'll send your name to Aylesbury - they'll give it to you hot!
They'll know just what to do with you, who sit and think for ages:
It's in the Laws and Ethics Book, or else the Yellow Pages!

But I was working out the hand (I've read a lot of books
By Kelsey, Reese and Mollo) so I just ignored his looks.
My gaze was fixed on dummy and I viewed it with unease:
What entry problems would here be if I essayed a squeeze?
An injudicious card from me would quite destroy the play..
So as I fell once more to thought I murmured "Go away"

"Get on with it!" he yelled at me. "What are you trying to prove?
Like Earth, pre-Galileo, sir, we simply do not move!
All these good folk have gathered here at twenty quid a head:
Some think you're cataleptic and the others think you're dead!
I just don't need this aggro; a Director's life is hard -
So, will you, won't you, will you, won't you play a ruddy card?"

The experts all advise a chap impulsive play to curb.
I waved hand dismissively and muttered "Don't disturb...
One cannot rush these matters..." The Director struck his brow
And staggered and fell sideways looking mad as any cow.
Well this was bad! His rude display had quite derailed my train
Of thought. There was no help for it: I'd have to start again.

He reached into his jacket then and expertly withdrew
A standard Aylesbury Magnum (issued by the EBU)
"On fines and penalties," he growled, "I will not waste my breath!
For slow play in this scale, my friend, the penalty is DEATH!"
He fired the gun and through the head (the hole was very neat)
He plugged my patient partner who'd been dozing in his seat!

"You'll want an explanation," the Director calmly said
"You'll want to know just why I shot your partner through the head
When you were the offender. Well, the whole thing is to do
With legal complications, for your family might sue!
I thought about it just in time - I had you in my sights -
Then luckily remembered that a dummy has no rights!
Social Bridge?
Social Bridge?

Much better to play in a friendly club where you are protected from your partner!

daft game anyway :-)
daft game anyway :-)

I'm giving up bridge- tonight's my last night
it’s amen to Staymen, I give up the fight.
The insults and muddles are giving me troubles
and I can't sleep at night for thinking of doubles.

My cards are all rotten and I have forgotten
who’s played and what's trumps and what's gone on my right!
So for now it's all over- I'm off to the back wood
I'm bidding good-bye to Gerber and Blackwood

I can't stand the hassle, I can't stand the pain
I'm getting those bad cards again and again.
So I'm giving up bridge- Tonight's a bad night.
Declarer is horrid and nothing's going right.

My partner's a dope and I'm losing all hope.
And when she says “double” I know we're in trouble.
My points are not high and I'm wondering why
she kept on bidding right up to the sky.

We're in seven spades and all my hope fades
When surprise, surprise, the high bidding pays!
We're winning all tricks, the defenders feel sick,
And I have to admit my partner's a brick

But I'm giving up bridge- Tonight's my last night.!
Farewell to conventions- I give up the fight?
So I leave with few words but some that are true,
Bridge is a game- not for me but for you.

So be kind to your partners and don't mind their cheek.
For it's only a game- Oh! Yes. I'll see you next week

Am livid because you went to bed with an Ace!