| Smile |
NymphomaniacConvention
A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York ,and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had eve seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded."I usemy experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
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| Fitting in |
A man went to his local gym to ask about yoga classes for beginners. The instructor asked, "How flexible are you?" "Well," replied the man, "I can't do Wednesdays..." |
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| Like for don't like |
A man tells his friend: ''I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!'' The friend says: ''Great trade!'' |
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| Moral of this story.... |
A Wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
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| A brighter view of bridge |
If you have the slightest touch of masochism, you'll love this game. Bridge is essentially a social game, but unfortunately it attracts a large number of antisocial people. The difference between genius and stupidity at the bridge table is that genius has its limits. Regardless of what sadistic impulses we may harbor, winning bridge means helping partner avoid mistakes.
-Frank Stewart Learn from the mistake of others. You won't live long enough to make them all yourself.
-Alfred Sheinwold. I favor light opening bids. When you're my age, you can never be sure that the bidding will get back around to you again. -Oswald Jacoby at 77. Years ago there were only two acceptable reasons for not leading partner's suit: (1) having no cards in the suit; (2) a death wish.
We had a partnership misunderstanding. I assumed my partner knew what he was doing.
Your play was much better tonight and so were your excuses. If I did everything right, I wouldn't be playing with you. What do you call an eight card suit? Answer: Trump Know the difference between a serial killer and a bridge partner? Answer: You can reason with the serial killer. |
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